Ask Auntyji

Here is what Auntyji has to  say to your queries. 

Meow!
 
Dear Auntyji
I have found love for the second time at 45. My new man is just perfect in every way – he is devoted and loving and well-read and quite affectionate, in every sense of the word. But the problem is that he lives by himself, with a billi rani, whom he fondly refers to as Rajkumari Neelu Wati Tirchi Akhon wali. Now this cat – and I have no issues with animals generally – but this cat, hops from sink to sofa, from bistar to bahar, leaving a wake of fur and feline scent everywhere. Now, I want to move in with my dear Neel, but what to do about the cat? Do you think it would be wrong of me to wake up one day and find Rajkumari Neelu Wati “missing”? Do you think I could “give” her away to someone without Neel ever finding out, and then I could say that cat simply ran off to find a billa for herself? Tell me Auntyji, what to do? My sense of hygiene is being compromised due to the presence of my feline soutan.
 
Auntyji says
As my dear, dear brother-from-another-mother Dr Saleem Waaris Jamal would say, wala howal wala kuat!  Have you no shame, you pox-faced old cat? Here you are, finding love for the second time and instead of rejoicing, you are plotting and planning to do away with Neel’s companion of so many years? OK, so I too have an issue with cat fur everywhere, and everyone knows that we are mere slaves to cats, but to consider doing away with Neelu is the most outrageous thing I have heard in the last decade. (Actually, second most outrageous thing: the first being Pushpa bahen suggesting that I get my derriere botoxed 3 years ago). But back to the billi. Let me state it outright. No, you can’t do away with the cat. You can’t take it on a long drive and leave it in a national forest. No, you cannot accidentally feed it weed killer. No, you can’t accidentally, let her play in traffic. What you can do is talk to Neel, and then go and see a counsellor – because you cannot ask the man to give up something dear to him. It cannot be you or the cat. Of course, if you have made your sentiments known to him, and he is still clinging to the cat as though it were his surrogate child or girlfriend, then I’m sorry, but the man has made his choice. It’s time you made yours. 
 
 
Dog food
 
Dear Auntyji
I have recently arrived here from India and my French colleague told me something that I was quite shocked about, and I was wondering if you could clarify this rumour for me. Pierre the Frenchman told me that Chinese people eat dogs – could this horrid rumour have any substance to it? I am appalled and mildly intrigued, and when I watch my neighbour Mr Chen look at my other neighbour’s labrador Barney, I wonder if he is thinking of Sweet and Sour Barney or Barney in Black Bean Sauce. Please help me Auntyji, as I cannot bear the thought of Barney being black beaned by Mr Chen.
 
Auntyji says
Well, I have not been to China, but I have been to Chatswood in Sydney and I do eat at Golden Century in Chinatown, therefore I have it on good authority to tell you the following. When Mr Chen looks at Barney, whether he is thinking Salt and Pepper Barney, or nice doggie, it is not any of your business. If the Chinese want to eat a labrador, it’s entirely up to them – I hear St Bernards are more delicious than Labradors. Meanwhile, you should not be so ethnocentric in your thinking. When you return to India from a trip there, do you need to purify yourself by ingesting all the by-products of a cow? I don’t think you’re in any position to judge anyone. Let Mr Chen be. And tell Pierre the Frenchman that any country which eats frogs’ legs have no right to tell any other country what they should, or should not eat.
What would the French know about delicacies – with their fois gras and petit fours….? 
 

 
Spit-on-my-face-book
 
Dear Auntyji
I found out through my boyfriend’s Facebook that he had had coffee with his ex-girlfriend, and now I can’t begin to tell you how livid I was. In fact, I was so livid, that I went onto my Facebook and implied that you-know-who had an odour problem. Now everyone thinks it’s the truth and I sort of feel sorry for the girl. I can’t make the situation better, and my boyfriend has not said anything, but sometimes, when I am about to go to sleep at night, I kind of wish I had not said what I did. Should I send her flowers, Auntyji? Can I send her a public apology? What shall I do?
 
Auntyji says
Oh, you shaitaan you. As Dadi Ma says to her teenage grand daughter in just about every Hindi movie, Paagal kudi – karne se phele sochi nahi thi kya? Did you not think one jot of these things before you went and sent such a missive out in cyberspace – for the whole world to read and know about? Well, the horse has well and truly bolted from the stable, so no point now trying to run after it neighing and prancing, pleading for it to return. Here is what you must do. Keep reminding yourself never to act in anger and most importantly, not to put your emotions on Facebook. Meanwhile, one option available to you is to contact the girl and offer her your sincerest apologies, and take it graciously if she chooses to spit in your face – which I suspect she will be inclined to do. Another option is to ignore this whole situation, and wait for some other poor bastard to make a fool of themselves on Facebook, and then the pressure will be off you. And judging by the number of ignoramuses on Facebook who write things that are not meant for human eyes – it’s only a matter of time before a bigger fool than you comes along.