Alternative Australia Day Honours
On Australia Day, we celebrate outstanding service and contribution to the nation. The citations are stirring, the congratulations earnest, and the humility – worn with great commitment. And rightly so.
It’s possible, however, that the Australian honours system is overlooking a whole category of national service.
So, in the spirit of fairness, inclusion and very serious nation-building, we present the Alternative Australia Day Honours List – with recognisable heroes from Indian-Australian life.
The “Mate in Record Time” Assimilation Award
For exceptional linguistic adaptation under minimal exposure.
Awarded to migrants who master the Australian pronunciation of “mate” – rendered confidently as “mite” – within four weeks of stepping foot in the country.
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Recipients demonstrate advanced accent absorption, casual shoulder shrugs, and the instinctive use of the phrase in (spice)shops, workplaces and Bunnings aisles. Plus of course, excellent Interpersonal Phoneme Optimisation Strategy IPOS, which the millennials casually refer to as “code switching”.
Citation recognises commitment to integration, phonetic bravery, and the quiet shock of relatives overseas hearing it for the first time, alongside utterances such as “try-ne stye-tion” “woddah” and “Ow-ya-garn?” (to indicate, respectively, transportation hub, life-giving fluid, and the Australian equivalent of Namaste).
The Vegemite Acclimatisation and Resilience Award
For outstanding bravery in the face of cultural shock.
Awarded to migrants who approach Vegemite with optimism, apply it with restraint (having learned from an earlier mistake), and eventually declare, “It’s not bad… actually.” Recipients demonstrate remarkable adaptability by spreading it thinly, pairing it correctly with butter, and defending it to relatives overseas as an “acquired taste”.
Citation recognises courage, growth, and the quiet decision never to eat it plain again.
Supplementary Citation: Second-Generation Distinction
This distinction is awarded to second-generation Australians who consume Vegemite casually, without ceremony or explanation, and who express genuine confusion at their parents’ ongoing mistrust of it.
Recipients demonstrate advanced assimilation by requesting Vegemite and cheese, spreading it confidently, regarding the entire debate as “not that deep”, and inventing delicacies like Vegemite-with-idli.
Citation notes quiet cultural fluency, inherited resilience, and the ability to switch seamlessly – between Vegemite at breakfast and achar by dinner.
The Advanced Australian Slang Fluency Award
For exceptional comprehension of compressed national communication.
@mickeywilsoncomedy How To: Aus Slang 🤣 #aus #slang #fyp #foryou #viral #funny #joke #viralvideo #trend #trending #australia #aussie #howyagarn ♬ original sound – mickey wilson comedy
Awarded to migrants who fully understand the classic literary passage: “Got a bingle out in Broady… towies on site but as a result it’s chockers in that direction.”
(Rumour has it that this characteristic Australianism is on the Australian Values Test that the Opposition hopes to use to vet future migrants.)
Recipients demonstrate elite-level cultural literacy by correctly interpreting this as a traffic update involving a minor accident, Broadmeadows, tow trucks, and widespread inconvenience – not a personal injury, wildlife incident or housing crisis.
Citation recognises mastery of Australian shorthand, geographic guesswork, and the ability to nod sympathetically without asking a single clarifying question.
The Melbourne Cup Selective Participation Award
For partial engagement in a national tradition.
Awarded to individuals who can name neither the horses nor the jockeys, yet possess strong opinions on fascinators, office sweep etiquette and whether it’s acceptable to drink champagne before noon. Recipients demonstrate advanced cultural participation by asking, “Who won?” while already planning lunch.
Citation recognises commitment to the race that (briefly) stops a nation – fashionably, with minimal understanding of the actual race, and fully embracing the festival for its true purposes (food and beverage, fashion and fun).
It urges integration for New Australians who think the Cup is all about crockery, or those who ask “Which country is playing?” or those who think it is like the IPL – but with horses.
These awards may never be televised. There will be no medals pinned, no hands shaken at Government House. But across backyards, temples, gurdwaras, and Indians in XYZ Facebook groups, Australians will know.
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