Over the hill…?
I am a little upset and, let’s say, also confused and perplexed. I am sure you can make me feel right again. So, aunty lady, last month, I went to my gorgeous niece Rosie’s 7th birthday party and I was filming her on my iPhone. When I went home and looked at the footage my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. In the background, while I was filming Rosie, Uncle Hari, who is ancient and like 55-years-old – was all over Aunty Roopali, who is like 45, divorced and ancient herself. I was all shook up and didn’t know what to think. Ok, Aunty Tina died 10 years ago and Uncle Hari is single too, but man, don’t these oldies have any shame? Of course they did not know that I have video evidence of them, but what to do, Auntyji, should I tell my mum? Should I put it up on YouTube to shame them or what? Please tell me what to do. Here I was thinking that when people get old, they develop perspective or something. But my own family has left me shocked and upset.
Oh my dear, judging by your ignorance, I would say that you are a nadaan who is probably not much older than darling little Rosie. Man, what is your problem? These two are fully consenting adults who were minding each other’s business and doing no harm to anyone else and here you are, judging them as though you are the arbiter of everything right in this world. Tell me now, have you not taken a selfie in your birthday suit to send to that saucy little minx you met at a party five weeks ago? Have you not taken an image of your unmentionables to titillate your dosts? Why are you judging these people who are in their prime? And you must be a little bachcha straight out of your Huggies if you think that 45 and 55 is old. Have you not read all the latest news that 45 is the new 35 and 55 is the new 40? This also means that in your case, 24 is the new 14, which is probably your mental age judging by you getting all hot and bothered by something that is none of your concern. I say you should delete the footage, and be grateful that Uncle Hari still has it, because if you’re lucky, you will also have it at 55 – although I have concerns that you may never even get it if you continue to be so small minded and ignorant. So, delete and move on. What you saw is none of your business. And no, no need to run home and tell mummy. Grow up. Mard ban. Besharam.
I have an older relative who is 65 and recently has started using profanity after a lifetime of BBC English. Uncle Dusty was always prim and proper and most of us were always a little scared of him. We were always so respectful of him. Recently, whenever he comes around, he peppers his speech with profanity so startling that all of us are usually too gobsmacked to say a word – whether in protest or mild chastisement. Some weeks back, we were discussing Uncle Dusty, and all of us agreed that one of us should say something about his colourful language. Of course, none of us had the courage to do this. So at the next gathering, there was Uncle Dusty, telling us with no holds barred what he thought of Dhoni’s batting and his sub-standard captaincy. Anyway, in walks my 5-year-old daughter Zara-Amaris, and even though Uncle Dusty saw her, he didn’t hold back, he continued with his fishwife diatribe, in his queen’s English inflection. Zara-Amaris looks at him with barely concealed contempt and says with the most toffee-nosed accent, ‘You, sir, are a common man, the way you speak. Your language is much too colourful for my liking’. Auntyji, I literally started choking on my onion pakora, and my brother Raj and cousin Divij had to use the Heimlich manoeuvre to rescue me. Meanwhile, while I was turning blue in the face, I still had the sense to see my sister-in-law turn puce and my wife stand there with her mouth wide open just staring and staring. Of course, now, in hindsight, it occurs to me that Zara-Amaris is precocious and has been watching old English movies, so of course she would have picked that up from somewhere. But Auntyji, how do I sort all this out? What should I do? I nearly passed out that day so am not too sure what happened after Zara’s comment, but I suppose I need to make things right with Uncle Dusty, right? What do you think?
Out of the mouths of babes, beta, out of the mouths of babes. Well, none of you had the courage to sort this out, so your precocious daughter took matters into her own hand. I say that you need to do nothing. Uncle Dusty has been put in his place good and proper, and he got what he deserved, carrying on like a common man like that. And as for you, well, that’s the kind of stuff you can expect from any daughter named Zara-Amaris. Really? I mean, really?