Our resident Agony Aunt answers your queries
To (F)B or not to (F)B
I was hoping for your advice. A few days ago, my husband and I were coming home from work at dusk. We saw a very old lady crossing the street and she was nearly hit by a car – as she was crossing while it was a green light for traffic. When we walked past her, she looked confused, and because she looked 80 years old, I stopped to ask if she was ok. She did not speak much English, and seemed disoriented. In any case, we live close to a police station, and while the lady told us the name of the street she lived on, she kept on walking in the opposite direction. Fearing for her safety as she had no awareness of traffic, we walked with her until we reached the police station. We told the police officers about the lady and it turns out the lady was a missing person. She was reunited with her family and I was very pleased for her. When I came home later that night, I posted about this event on Facebook and explained how we had helped an old lady. My brother’s new wife told me that I should not have posted this on social media, and said that when good deeds are done, they should not be boasted about on Facebook. I was very surprised by this comment. Everyone else told me that we had done a good deed and god knows what would have happened to the poor lady had we not helped her. I am still troubled by Rayna’s comment. I don’t like what she said and I want to bring this up at the Australia Day BBQ at my brother’s place. Can you please tell me Auntyji how I can counter Rayna’s argument?
Well, aren’t you just a sanctimonious little do-gooder, who after doing a good deed, had to let the world know how wonderful a person you are? Why was it so important for you to put on FB that you had helped someone? Why did you have to broadcast your Good Samaritan act for others to comment on in order for you to get double the good feeling? Are you really that starved for attention that you need the comments of others to prolong the feel-good sentiments inspired by your good act? In this instance, I completely, 100% agree with Rayna. She is right. When one does a good deed, there is no reason to let everyone know about it. In fact, this makes me wonder what your motivation was for helping the poor lady. Clearly, you must have been desperate to get home to post on social media what you had achieved. You really should have more class – if you help someone in the future, shut up about it. No one needs to know.
And don’t you even think about going to the BBQ and bringing this up. Rayna did you a favour by calling out your hypocrisy. Only a fool would now try to argue with her. Hang out more with Rayna, she sounds like a smart woman. You could learn from her.
How do I get him to quit?
I am so angry! Every single day I am getting angrier and angrier. My stupid, stupid husband, who has been promising me that he would give up smoking when he started his new job, is six weeks into his new job and shows no signs of giving up those cigarettes. He has not even tried. He has been promising for seven years to give up, and I feel that he is selfish for not considering our future together by compromising his health. Every cigarette compromises his health, and I know that life will become very difficult if he gets sick. In fact, when he has a minor cold, he takes to the bed and wants me to wait on him hand and foot. He always uses one excuse after another about giving up smoking and I am at the end of my patience. My uncle, grandfather and father-in-law all died from smoking-related illnesses and I am terrified this will happen to my husband as well. Auntyji, my husband is now over 40 and has been smoking for 20 years. Can you please give me guidance?
You know, even Barack Obama gave up cigarettes because Michelle did not condone this behaviour. Yes, your husband is incredibly selfish and seems to have prioritised his addiction over a healthy future with you. So, what do you do? You can accept your husband with his failings, and know that we will all die someday, except in your husband’s case, this will probably happen sooner, and will be a painful horrible death. If you accept this then move on – because there are no guarantees in life and your husband could just as easily die crossing the road while texting. On the other hand, it appears that your husband is on a particular death wish, and is taking advantage of your good nature. So the solution is simple. If you do not wish to be an enabler, pack your bags and go. Rather than waiting for the inevitable visit to the doctor when your husband starts coughing up his tar-filled lungs, you may as well escape while you can from this selfish man. You deserve better. Leave now and let your husband hang out with his best buddies Peter Stuyvesant and Peter Jackson. No doubt, they will be there to give him comfort when he has to speak through a tube after his tracheotomy.