Ask Auntyji: bollywood dancing and real life gunday

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Our resident agony aunt answer’s your queries

Yes, you can dance, seniors!

Dear Auntyji,
Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Prudence and I originally come from India. I have been in Australia for over 40 years and have now moved into a self-managed village. My village family would like to have a Bollywood night. I request you to please give me a few tips on how to put something together on a very small budget with a lot of dancing and Bollywood music.
Thanking you in anticipation of a favourable reply.
Uncleji? Indian Link
My dearest Prudence,
How lovely to hear from you. I hope you are enjoying life in your little village in the twilight of your youth. Why, I do indeed have some ideas for you. A Bollywood night? How very exciting. Budhape mein hum bhi koshish karenge to have fun and continue dancing as long as my knees can support my weight and my bechara dil can survive the excitement. So luckily, in Sydney and Melbourne, and other capital cities, there are many Bollywood dancing schools. I suggest you call up any one of these, and talk to the gurus there and ask them if they will run a Geriatric Naach Gaana session. Of course, as long as they have professional and public liability insurance, they would love to come out and show you a few dance moves – and before you know it, your jhatak-mataks will be giving all the inmates heart palpitations. Now, you can sweet talk your way into asking these good people not to charge you any paisa for this service. Tell them you have paid your dues to society, and these naujawans can consider it their community service. Tell them this is their civic duty, and if that does not work, then use guilt. I find it always gets impressive results for me. Tell them if your nadaan Nati or potha had not run off with that bekaroo from Gymea, they would have been here today and you would not need to ask for madat kisise. Then, call up the local Indian restaurant and use the same tactic to get them to supply some samosas and chutneys for your evening. Us ke baad, go through this newspaper, and call up the various community groups and organisers and ask for their help. The Indian community is particularly supportive and helpful, and once they are over the shock that someone of Indian origin is living in a retirement village instead of being taken care of by family, they will fall over themselves to help you. Good luck Prudence, and be careful. I hear those seniors in retirement villages find Bollywood beauties enticing. Make sure you have the medical personnel on hand! Good luck and jug jug jiyo.
Alternatively, if there are community groups who would like to help Prudence, give us a call at Indian Link!
Uncleji? Indian Link

Bollywood badmaashiyaan

Dear Auntyji, 
I have a particular problem that has caused some arguments in my home between me and my patidev, and he insists that I write to you and your uncleji about this. Some weeks ago, an Indian writer wrote that one of the reasons that women are disrespected in India is because men see the hero in Bollywood films chasing the heroine, and the viewers think this is acceptable behaviour. Consequently, goondas in India have no qualms eve-teasing women. My husband thinks Bollywood is responsible for the encouragement of this loutish behaviour. What are your thoughts? And what does uncleji say?
Auntyji says
Well, let’s ask uncleji first, shall we?
Uncleji says 
Yes, Bollywood is completely responsible for the behaviour of these rascals who go about whistling and calling out to women and generally disrespecting them. In the land of female deities and leaders, women are still treated like second class citizens. I thinks producers and directors have a duty to ensure that they do not encourage this type of behaviour. When such hooligans are found, we should send them to jail and throw away the keys. These goondas do not deserve anything better. This is my point of view and I will not deviate from it.
Uncleji?.Indian Link
Auntyji says
Uncleji, you badmaash, have you no sharam spouting such nonsense? Kya buswas hai. What is wrong with you, you silly old man?! Bollywood reflects life, not the other way around, you miscreant. If your argument holds true, then perhaps you too should have been chucked in jail – because remember when you were courting me, you used to stand beneath my window and sing songs from Mughal e Azam? And when I told you to bugger off, you insisted on writing shayari for me?
If you watch Bollywood films, you will note that the hero only chases one girl, while the rapacious bhrashtacharan villain spares no one and torments everything with double X chromosomes.
Meanwhile, there are many films where the hero, after chasing the lone girl and finding his advances rebuffed, falls back sad and melancholic until the girl finally decides the hero was true to her all along. If Bollywood was responsible for influencing the behaviour of people, we would have ridiculous car chases in the street every day, everyone’s ma would be held on a pedestal, people would be singing at every turn and there would be wet sari contests during the barkha season.  Kumbakht admi, those lafangas know exactly what they’re doing – and it’s got nothing to do with what they see any of the Khans, Kapoors, Deols and Khannas doing on screen. You know, I am so cranky with you right now, Uncleji, that you can forget about the chicken biryani I was going to cook for you tonight. You can go to bed bhooka pate. And then you can sing while chuhe pate me daudenge. You don’t deserve my cooking because you have made such a careless and rubbish argument. All that Lucknow education, kuch bhi nahi sikhaya tumhe? Hai tauba.

The original Australian sub-continental agony aunt. Email: info@indianlink.com.au

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