Dear Auntyji
As much as my wife is the loveliest lady on earth, she has a habit that really irritates me sometimes. And this is around the subject of my going out. You see Auntyji, a few years ago my lovely darling decided that she wasn’t going to go out socialising with people. She said she had had enough of friends, and she wanted to detach from public life. She wanted to be by herself and ruminate on thoughts instead of doing small talk with sahelis. Mind you Auntyji, she said all this before COVID, so it’s as though she knew what was coming and prepared for it. In any case, the problem is with what I do. Sometimes I go out and come back with a cold or be a bit dusty. My wife shows me zero sympathy. And when I cough and sneeze and say how sick I am, she replies with the sweetest sarcasm, oh don’t worry, you will be better just in time for golf, or for your next party etc. Now Auntyji, is it my fault that I miraculously get cured just before a party? Must my wife put a dent on my going out with her caustic observations? Tell me what I should say?
Auntyji says
Arre you haraami, what makes you think that a billa like you is going to get even a teaspoon of hamdardi from me? I think I have you all worked out, and if you thought your lovely darling had a caustic zubaan, wait till I finish giving you my masala. So it appears to me that a party boy like you is always trying to paint the shaher red. From one party to another, you lurch, like a teenage lothario. And you probably prioritise going out over time spent with your beloved, you besharam kamina. So then, off you go partying. Then when you party so hard that you come home as dusty as the Thar desert, and you are parched and all you want is sympathy from your beloved, she looks at you and sees that you have brought all this shame, this kalank, on yourself. Your indulgence makes you ill. And then, probably during the entire week you moan and groan and carry on – but by Wednesday your groans become less petulant, by Thursday your sighs of sorrow diminish remarkably and by Friday, you are a billa ready for a topnotch night on the town. Your wife sees you do this and being smart, she has assessed the patterns. So then when you complain like a little dayan, she has zero humdardi for you. Have you no sharam, you zaalim? Have you no akal either to see that you bring this on yourself, you kaala nimbu? Are you a man or a bottle of daru – looking for the next merry companion? Arre paapi, paap mukti mujse nahi milegi. Unless you change your behaviour, be prepared to tolerate your beloved’s kadwi zubaan. That’s exactly what a shaitaan-e-nana deserves.
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