A potential migrant from Kolkata has thrown cold water on Australia’s latest “import Indians for votes” conspiracy, confirming he has no interest in welfare payments, cricket grounds, or sandy beaches. Indian migration conspiracy Australia
Instead, the man, introduced to audiences as Jai Chandra, has laid down just one condition: a front-row seat in the MasterChef Australia studio audience.
He was speaking to celebrity presenter Carl Bluffanovic on the show Yesterday’s Breakfast Today.
(Having gotten over the shock at Australia’s mis-spelling of the word ‘labour’, Jai’s been telling anyone who cares to listen that Australia has a political party made of labourers – whose only mandate is to build homes for Australia’s one million homeless.)
Of course, other than MasterChef and Australia’s teeming destitutes, the third thing he knows about the land down under, is that it is the land of kangaroos, and likes to make hopping actions when he mentions the much-loved marsupial.
His six-year-old daughter – spelling bee champion, factophile and trivia enthusiast – who sat beside him doing today’s Times’ Cryptic Crossword, educated him: “The kangaroo is Australia’s national animal, and is on their coat of arms, alongside the emu.”
“I saw an emu once at the Delhi Zoo,” her dad remarked. “Ugliest bird in the world…. But yes, I would love to visit Australia.” Indian migration conspiracy Australia
“To see some kangaroos?” Carl prompted. “The Sydney Opera House? Our beaches, perhaps?”
“I’ve seen plenty kangaroos on Animal Planet,” the Indian national replied. “Your Opera House? Our Lotus Temple is far more beautiful. Beaches? Too much sunburn. But MasterChef – now that’s the real Australian Parliament. And Poh making curry puffs? That’s culture.”
He held up his (yet to be released) Apple foldable iPhone to show he had just been re-watching Season 6’s immunity pin challenge.
His daughter backed her father’s stance.
“Food diplomacy is the most important policy,” she declared. “Also, MasterChef Australia is the only show where Indians are consistently represented without a Senate inquiry.”
Carl, in search of a headline, did not let up on his line of attack.
“You could get Centrelink benefits… and free housing?”
Jai Chandra, who lists his profession as ‘armchair judge of plating techniques,’ seemed thoughtful. He clarified he didn’t want permanent residency – just a 90-day visa, or however long it takes for one season to wrap up.
“Can I use your Centrelink benefits to buy immunity pins? Look, I don’t want free housing – just the green apron and one pantry dash. I’ll even sit through Celebrity Week episodes, as long as George Calombaris isn’t cooking.”
His daughter perked up.
“Mum says she’ll only migrate if guaranteed a taste test spoon. And I’m not moving without my own Mystery Box on Junior MasterChef.”
Sources say Jacinta Price immediately accused the Chandra family of trying to stack votes in favour of the Labor Pantry.
Opposition MPs suggested migrants should only be allowed into My Kitchen Rules instead, where fewer people watch.
At press time, the Department of Home Affairs was reportedly exploring whether to add “MCG tickets” or “MC studio passes” to the official visa sponsorship program, as a way of calming Jacinta Price’s nerves. Indian migration conspiracy Australia
Read more: Jacinta Price confirms Indian migrants secretly imported to correct Labor’s spelling
