Dear Auntyji,
Here is my problem. Everywhere I look, all I see is Priyanka Chopra Jones. Newspapers, magazines, online, bus stops, everywhere is her face. When I turn on my TV, I constantly see a promotion for her new show Citadel. So guess what? I decided to watch the show. Auntyji, she is a middle aged Indian bahenji who is trying too hard. Citadel has all the usual cliches – it rolls out a whole bunch of spy film tropes shamelessly. Like the doctor with a weird European name and a briefcase with torture tools. Like tremendously well-equipped bad guys who can’t shoot straight and the main leads never running out of bullets. Violence is always seen and never inferred, and sex is inferred and never seen. Then we have the cliche of the protagonists initially disliking each other followed by a swift turnaround to unbearable sexual tension through witty repartee – followed even faster with a romp in the obligatory Paris hotel room bed with silk sheets. Why is she everywhere, Auntyji? She is doing my head in. And her crazy accent shifts from scene to scene. I don’t like her, Auntyji. Why are these gora log so enamoured by her? What is so special about her?
Auntyji says:
Chup, kalmouhi! Haven’t we had this conversation before about hating on Priyanka? Why can’t jalanthoo dayans like you just leave the woman alone? First, let’s get her name correct. It’s Priyanka Chopra Jonas. Second, do not confuse the quality of the series with her acting chops. Have you not seen her in all her films – Mary Kom, Barfi, and the others? She is one of Bollywood’s finest actors, and here you are putting chutney on her? What have you achieved in your life, Mrs Adha Darjan, that you feel compelled to cast judgment on a woman who is going about her business trying to make a living? Unless you have been Miss World and have conquered Bollywood and now Hollywood and what not, then you have no right whatever to put Priyanka down. Leave the woman alone – she is hugely successful – and whether it’s her hard work or talent or work ethic or luck or kismat, destiny is favouring her and you’re just jealous. Now the reason this has to be jealousy on your part rather than anything else is because you go looking for Priyanka. She is not everywhere – you just have your radar on for her, you kalankani. What if Priyanka Chopra Jonas was your sister – would you still feel the same way? Or would you be posting on social media how proud you are of her? I say you start doing more interesting things with your rather average life, and leave Mrs Jonas alone.