Dear Auntyji: Tamasha with twins and more…

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AuntyJi

Tamasha with twins

Dear Auntyji,

I have a particular problem and I really am in a bit of a pickle, so I want your help. I am 24 years old, and people say I’m hot. I am doing a law degree, so some people say I have brains and beauty. Plus I can cook dosas and idlis too. Anyway, I have two friends from uni who are also studying law and they are twins called Vicky and Nicky. Both of them are tall, good-looking and smart. Recently I went to a party and had too much Smirnoff Double Black and the next morning I woke up next to Vicky. We didn’t say much to each other but about a month later, I went to another party, had too many Bacardi Breezers and this time I ended up with Nicky. Now both of them are showing an interest in me and while I love this attention, my best girlfriend thinks it won’t work out for me. She sees trouble ahead. What should I do? Both boys are just so nice – and either would make a good match for me. There have been other occasions too when I find myself intimate with one twin or the other. Can you tell me how to choose the right twin?

 

Auntyji says

Besharam! Behaiya! Why are you even writing to me – mere mind ko corrupt kar rahi ho. Tum auratzaat per ek kaali daag ho! Hamay koi evidence nahi dikh raha hai of your intelligence. Akl ke dushman, tumhare kale kartoot won’t remain hidden for long. You are a shameless young dayan, and boasting about your drinking, carrying on and sleeping around would make all your ancestors hold their ears and say ‘tauba’! Now think of this. You are a plaything for those chikna judwa boys. You are playing with them, and I think the only one who will end up hurt is you. In fact, I can just see Nicky and Shicky or whatever their names are at 50, sipping on their cognacs, puffing on their cigars and reminiscing about this besharam laundiya who was a plaything of their youth. So stop abusing your body and start respecting it – and stop monopolising the affections of those boys. Jaanti ho, there was a time when there was this cheez called izzaat and maryada. Obviously, ye sub baatein are Swahili to you. Kalankani, wake up and smell the coffee. Start learning the meaning of respect. Write back to me when you have something decent to say.

 

Stealing from a saheli

Dear Auntyji

I sew clothes for family and friends, and charge very well for it. Recently my friend bought some expensive lace for a nice dress, and my daughter fell in love with it. It was 3 metres in all, so I displayed my usual genius and made the dress for my friend who was delighted with it, and because I had cut the fabric sparingly, I had enough left to make a top for my daughter. Anyway, the next time my friend came over and saw my daughter wearing the lace top, she made a face but didn’t say much. She has not returned since, and I don’t know what’s her problem. It was leftover lace, and because I was clever with using the fabric, I could get two items from it. Why do you think my friend has an issue? Have I done something wrong?

 

Auntyji says

Have you done something wrong? What kind of nasamajh asks me this question! Listen here chorni, while I explain the basic principles of morality to you. Your nadaan saheli paid for teen gaj of lace. Whatever was left over from the expensive lace belonged to your friend – because she had paid for it. Now, if you had not charged for the sewing of her dress, then perhaps you could argue that the leftover lace was fringe benefits. But you charged her and stole from her. Tum sirf ek common chorni ho. So, of course, your saheli is pissed off. You took something from her, without her permission. Tum ne chori ki hai unse. If you want to make good, I suggest you call her and apologise, and say that you should have asked her for the leftover lace. Then say you will make her next garment for free, that should be good recompense. Of course, if you are a busdil and can’t do this, then dekhna karma tum ko kya dikhati hai. Prepare to have something stolen from you. Obviously not your integrity because you never had this in the first place, but perhaps something else. Like your eyesight which you need for sewing those delicate fabrics. Go and beg Ganesh’s forgiveness for stealing, because he is the only God wise enough to forgive you.