Dear Auntyji
Lately my wife did something that has irritated me no end. Now Auntyji, I think the world of my Shilpa. She is a lovely wife and looks after the family really well. Sometimes I can be better – like when she asks me to do something around the house and I neglect to do it in her time frame. She might get irritated by it and make a few pointed comments, but she is never aggressive.
Four months ago Shilpa asked me to fix the toilet seat in the guest room. I’ve been very busy and haven’t gotten around to it. Last weekend I return from golf and I see a man coming down the stairs. He looks like a tradie and says g’day mate and then takes his toolbox upstairs. It occurs to me that Shilpa has hired a man to fix the toilet!
I was incensed – and I was already a bit angry because I had hit a shot into the bunker at the 4th hole and I took 8 swings before the ball flew out and landed in the pond.
So I said to Shilpa – I said I was going to do it, why did you get a tradie? She pulled out her phone and said yes, you said you would do it on these dates – and she highlighted the 8 dates when she had reminded me and I had told her I would do it. And then she calmly put down her phone, fetched my beer from the fridge and instead of giving it to me, took it upstairs for Dave the tradie. Auntyji, I am livid. He charged us $150. Money doesn’t grow on trees. What should I say to Shilpa? I don’t want to fight with her, but don’t you think this is ridiculous?
Auntyji says
Arre bevakoof, listen up, for I shall say this only once to a behuda insaan like you. You are such a besharam aadmi I don’t even know where to start.
What kind of a lafanga takes 8 shots to hit a ball out of a bunker? Kamaal karte ho, yaar?
And you’re not just a useless golfer, you’re also the worst type of golfer – a selfish one. So you prioritise going and hitting balls into bunkers and ponds over doing your duty around the house. And then you have the audacity to get upset at your wife for bringing a tradie in to do the one thing she asked you to do 8 times? 8 times? That’s twice a month, over the last 4 months you napunsakh. What kind of a shaitaan ka chacha ignores a request 8 times for help around the house?
And what kind of besharam then writes to me asking for advice, on a public forum?
Ok, here is what you should know.
That 8-swing bunker shot was your punishment for ignoring your wife 8 times. Can you not see the connections here? The universe and even the golf gods are punishing you for being a namakool. The golf gods want you to play with a clear conscience – but your failure as a husband means that you will fail as a golfer. If you continue to ignore your wife’s requests for help, then let me tell you right now, your golf will suffer. And also, this time around your wife gave Dave the tradie your ice cold beer on a hot Saturday. Whatever else she decides to give him – it will be all on you.
Be better, do better, you bawale. Unless you become a better husband, may all your putts be three putts.
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