Ask Auntyji: A professional chocoholic

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 You ask, Auntyji answers – no dilemma too big or small!

 CHOCCY-WOCCY-DOO-DAH

Dear Auntyji,

I am a hardworking 35-year-old accountant. Last year, I was made redundant at my firm and it’s only this month that I was able to secure another very good role. Auntyji, my problem is this. For the last month, I find myself eating chocolates all the time. And not just Cadburys or Lindt for me. No, I visit Haigh’s and Koko Black in the city, buy myself five or six pieces then sit in bed and eat them while reading. I love chocolates so much and whereas before I used to show restraint, now I find myself not being able to resist at all. Of course, there are no side effects, meaning I have not put on weight, but that’s because I eat smaller portions of food and generally watch every morsel that passes over my lips. No coffee for me or needless snacking on other junk, or even having large portions of food. But Auntyji, don’t you agree that this type of indulgence must stop? Do you think I have serious emotional issues that is causing me to eat chocolates like cocoa is going out of fashion? What should I do Auntyji, should I stop?

Auntyji says

Oh! If you keep up with this type of behaviour, where you eat five or six pieces of chocolates from Haigh’s every single day, you will become a little peppermint truffle yourself! Yes, I totally understand the allure of the intoxicating bean that is the cocoa. I understand the siren song of the tempting little morsels of delight that cause a circus in your mouth and a dance in your heart. But, my little cherry ripe, this type of daily indulgence can’t be good for you. All that fat, all that sugar! Surely your arteries will start protesting sooner or later and when the cardiologist opens your chest and peers into your left ventricle, she will probably find raspberry cream instead of what should be there – red and white corpuscles, platelets and plasma – if I recall my Year 9 biology correctly. So you’ve had your fun. Unfortunately, while having fun, you let the demon in, the shaitaan, and now it’s become a habit. You must break this habit. How? Simple. Schedule some evening events which cause you to come home late so that you are not lying in bed reading and stuffing your greedy little mouh with mithai. It’s simple, nah. Allow yourself treats on Friday night, for example, but show restraint the rest of the week. Remember, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Give up this habit. For the sake of your dil.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Dear Auntyji

We came from Fiji to Sydney 10 years ago and I now have a large extended family here in Sydney. Auntyji, here is my problem. My cousin got married three years ago, and her new husband has recently given me, his sister-in-law, a new name. And this stupid name is charcoal chicken! So, instead of calling me Vanita, which is my real name, he has started referring to me as charcoal chicken. Ok, he is older than me and sometimes these people need to have their fun, but Auntyji, now it’s becoming like my official name! And I hate it. I complain to my relatives and my cousin, but no one listens and they all laugh and sometimes even refer to me as charcoal chicken! What is going on, Auntyji? What type of horrid joke is this? What I even don’t understand is why he calls me charcoal chicken specifically – considering I don’t even eat chicken. What should I do? Do you have a solution? Please help me, I am at my wits’ end. I feel humiliated, upset and angry that despite my requests, no one listens to me. Please help.

Auntyji says

If I called you a kali billi, or a zareeli nagin, would you respond to me, my girl? Oh, this problem can be solved in a multitude of ways – some quite simple and effective, and others quite deadly, but equally effective. So in the first instance, I urge you to stop responding to this name. Pretend you don’t hear it and only talk to people of they use your name appropriately. If they call out to you using your stupid Jeejaji’s pet name for you, you must ignore them, and pretend you don’t even hear.  Soon people will get the message. Of course, you could ask that silly man to stop calling you this because it irritates the heck out of you. Perhaps, he will be kind enough and sensitive enough to listen. But don’t start giving him a name yourself – like langda kutta or Jack Daniels or Tip Top or Nandos. This will only encourage him. Of course, after all this effort and he still teases you and does not relent or oblige with your polite request, then you can up the ante. And of course, this is very dangerous territory you’re going into, but if this man has clearly declared war on you, and after your exhortations he does not stop, then you can scare the hell out of him. Next time he is around, grab his phone and send yourself a couple of suggestive messages from his phone – pretending to be him. Then show him your phone and say that if he does not stop calling you charcoal chicken, you will reveal him as a philanderer. He has only been in the family for five minutes and he has no right to treat you with such disrespect. You will probably scare him half to death but he will at least know not to mess with you. But go carefully into this territory, because you never know what family tamasha will ensue. Of course, you can go for the simple but cut-throat approach of waiting for the next family gathering and then causing a huge scene about being called charcoal chicken. Have the biggest dummy spit this side of the Indian diaspora and you’ll have gained the respect of all your relatives. Yell if you have to, but you need to get back your dignity. I mean, do you want to be eternally known as Aunty Charcoal Chicken? Do you want to go to the next family wedding and be introduced to the groom’s side of the family in that specific fashion? Oh, that girl in the blue? That’s Charcoal Chicken and she is studying medicine. What man – or woman – is going to want to marry someone called Charcoal Chicken. Your Jeejaji has totally disrespected you, girlfriend, and you need to get back control.