Celebs' New Year Resolutions

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What our politicians and Bollywood stars are committing to in 2016

I don’t sweat about what resolutions to make for a new year, it comes naturally to me. It is the same one I had last year and the year before and every year before that. I simply recycle ‘manage my time better’, knowing full well this won’t work past the first week, just like all its predecessors. I guess only those who are resolute in sticking to their New Year’s resolutions get ahead in life, like the rich and famous. So, putting aside privacy concerns, I have taken a peek at the diaries of some of the world’s movers and shakers to see their resolves for the year ahead.

New Year's resolutions.Indian Link

First, who else but our numero uno Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull?  It seems he may have made the resolution to become PM the day he was born, since journalists keep mentioning that it has been his life-long ambition. I reckon the day he entered Parliament, looking at the collective calibre of the colleagues on both sides, he resolved to reverse his prefix from MP to PM. This year, his diary reads: “I will need to work like a Bull to ensure that I am not the fourth PM to go through the Turn-stile. I have to turn over Tony’s policies without upsetting his Team Australia mates and at the same time look like a capital L liberal. (Shouldn’t have mentioned capital since my detractors continue to attach that tag to me). Have warmed up to the global warmers in Paris, but ‘Turn back the boats’ may have to wait its turn till the election.”

Despite his protestations, former PM Tony Abbott will continue to cause trouble for Turnbull. “I was known as the head kicker in Howard’s era, but now my own head has been kicked. I can stop the boats but how do I rock the (Government) boat, from the back benches. How can I do what Kevin did to Julia? Will try. If it doesn’t work, I can always go back to my old craft, writing crafty pieces, or counselling European leaders on border security.”

“Won’t take any call on my mobile while driving unless it is from the Governor General inviting me to form the next government,” jotted down Bill Shorten. “Unless I reverse my 14 point rating to 41, no call will ever come. Shouldn’t have taken that call from Mum-in-law; forgot she’s no more the GG. All it did was cost me 400 bucks and earned some ridicule.”

New Year's resolutions.Indian Link

A quick dash to Bollywood. What a lucky break – Salman Khan’s left his diary on the front seat of his new vehicle. “I will never drive again. Why should I? I have the fame and fortune to employ chaps who will put their heads on the line and take all blame on themselves, even with footpath fatalities. I may consider casting a ‘dupe’ as my driver, just as in stunt scenes, to cast doubts in the minds of judges. Just in case I make a repeat performance.”

Overheard Aamir Khan talking into his PK radio cassette player. “I thought my intolerance statement would go down well with the public like my Satyamev Jeyathe episodes. Turns out not everything’s a hit. Now wondering, should I continue to stay in India or PacK up and take off in that spaceship? I will always keep that transistor radio on and keep my big ears open in case I hear any noise outside, to alert my wife to leave pronto.”

Saw Sunny Leoni, with some clothes on for a change, scribbling something. “I have bought a cricket team for my realty TV show although I don’t know anything about cricket. I expect the boys to score well. In case they drop their guard, I can give them pep talks and peep shows to perk them up. The boys won’t let me down as easily as I let down my hemline.”

Moving to Delhi, I noticed Arundhati Roy hanging with some protest group, her second home most days. Sneaking over her small shoulders, I read the note: “With the award for God of Small Things a distant memory, protesting over something or the other and making controversial statements is the best way to keep in the news. Detractors call me ‘hag of small thinking.’ I have said that Azadi is the only way for Kashmir, standing alongside a separatist leader and, recently, at Kerala University, that Gandhi’s name should be removed from all institutions as he did nothing to change the caste system. I am running out of outrageous statements and need to cook up more controversial ones this year.”

New Year's resolutions.Indian Link

I, for one, may look at the New Year with a different perspective entirely, having swapped my god-given lens with a man-made one, courtesy of cataract surgery. Wishing you all a Happy New Year!