Ask Auntyji

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Single lane superhighway

Dear Auntyji

I’m 25 and happy, but how do I handle parents nagging me to get married (and uncles and aunties and grandparents too). Every time I see them, the moment pleasantries are over, they move swiftly to the subject of my shaadi and it’s the same old never-ending loop of questions – kab shaadi kar rahe ho, you’re not getting any younger you know, and oh I know just the right boy for you. That’s all I hear from everyone. Over and over. I am tired of it, but what to do Aunty, I am a nice, polite girl and don’t want to be rude to my relatives. Do you have a suggestion for me?


Auntyji says

Well, my dear, I have a series of solutions for you. It depends on how hard core you want to be about this. But I sympathise with you completely. Why, when I was younger, when I turned 18, it was like I entered a time warp when overnight, everyone became obsessed with my shaadi. No statement was ever uttered without reference to my shaadi. Until one day I got sick of it and said yes to a total random who asked me for my hand. Fortunately, that total random was Uncleji, and I have been bilkul khush ever since. Now here are your solutions. Your first option is to get with it, and particularly if you have a mean streak in your body, you need to turn the tables on your relos. Tell them you cannot wait to get married and they must find a boy for you post haste. You must start talking about your shaadi, your suhaag raat, your honeymoon non stop from the moment they enter your line of vision. You must be a complete besharam about this and talk about your shaadi with unusual enthusiasm, so that all your relatives think that their good name must not be tarnished by a behaaya like you. They will immediately stop all this shaadi barbaadi talk. Actually, your first option could be to develop a thick skin and smile shyly and say nothing, but I gather your relatives are fairly tenacious and a few sharmilee muskurahat on your part will not deter them one bit, in fact, it might encourage them further.

Your next option is to tell your relatives that you had your janam kundli checked and you were told by a renowned priest that you will die within two years of your marriage, while your husband will die within 6 months, the same way that Raj Kiran died in Karz at the hands of Simi in the olden days of Bollywood. Your family will be aghast at this turn of events and there will be no more talk of your shaadi. Now, another option is, the next time they bring up shaadi, tell them that the Australian government does not recognise same sex marriage, so how to do shaadi then? Then with the same forlorn look on your face, tell them that Diya is devastated about this. And then wink slyly at them. Your completely bewildered and upset family will not mention shaadi to you again, but will spend the next 5 years at least talking about you behind your back, and hoping that Julia Gillard does not pass legislation for same sex marriage to be legalised. See my little chameli, my little besan ka peda, there are many many solutions for you. But one final point. Why don’t you want to get married? Everyone should have at least  one marriage and one divorce before the age of 30. Get it out of your system. This is a sure-fire way to get your relatives off your back. Keep me updated. And don’t forget to invite me to your wedding, if you decide to go with my final piece of advice.


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On Chikni Katrina

Dear Auntyji

A friend of mine told me recently that he thinks the Chikni Chameli song is a great song and that he can’t stop thinking about Katrina Kaif dancing exclusively for him. He said the song was absolutely mind blowing and so was Katrina and that he had watched the song on Youtube at least 20 times. So I told him he was a besharam with no maan nor maryada and he needs to watch old Raj Kapoor movies to understand style, class and art. At first he laughed at me and then said that he thinks I am old fashioned and wanted to know how old I was and he insisted that Chikni Chameli was a great song. What do you think aunty – is Chikni Chameli a great song or have I become old before my time?


Auntyji says

Hey Ram, is duniya ka kya ho raha hai? I too have become old before my time, my dear. When I watch films of today, and I watch Salman Khan parading his body the same way he was doing in the ‘90s, and I watch all these girls running around showing off their delectable bodies and speaking angrezi, I think to myself, what will become of our yuva peedhi? What will become of Bharat Mata if these bachche log forget everything and ape the west with all its complexities and issues. Then I think to myself that all these naujawan eventually grow up, and they will look back on the younger generation and think the same way we think of them now. This, my dear, is the circle of life. In the ‘60s, the oldies used to say that the latest movies had no class and that the films of ‘50s were better. In the ‘70s, the oldies from the ‘60s said the same thing. And so it goes on. Don’t worry about it. Chikni Chameli will be forgotten about in no time. It’s today’s news. Tomorrow it will be about Chikna Chamcha or something else. Or Munna ki jawaani. Or Munna ki Mardangi. Just go with the flow, my dear. Everything will turn out just fine in the end, wait and see. And Salman Khan too, will have to start putting his shirts back on and playing Papaji or even Dadaji one day.