I have found love for the second time at 45. My new man is just perfect in every way – he is devoted and loving and well-read and quite affectionate, in every sense of the word. But the problem is that he lives by himself, with a billi rani cat, whom he fondly refers to as Rajkumari Neelu Wati Tirchi Akhon wali. Now this cat – and I have no issues with animals generally – but this cat, hops from sink to sofa, from bistar to bahar, leaving a wake of fur and feline scent everywhere. Now, I want to move in with my dear Neel, but what to do about the cat? Do you think it would be wrong of me to wake up one day and find Rajkumari Neelu Wati “missing”? Do you think I could “give” her away to someone without Neel ever finding out, and then I could say that cat simply ran off to find a billa for herself? Tell me Auntyji, what to do? My sense of hygiene is being compromised due to the presence of my feline soutan.
As my dear, dear brother-from-another-mother Dr Saleem Waaris Jamal would say, wala howal wala kuat! Have you no shame, you pox-faced old cat? Here you are, finding love for the second time and instead of rejoicing, you are plotting and planning to do away with Neel’s companion of so many years? OK, so I too have an issue with cat fur everywhere, and everyone knows that we are mere slaves to cats, but to consider doing away with Neelu is the most outrageous thing I have heard in the last decade. (Actually, second most outrageous thing: the first being Pushpa bahen suggesting that I get my derriere botoxed 3 years ago). But back to the billi. Let me state it outright. No, you can’t do away with the cat. You can’t take it on a long drive and leave it in a national park. No, you cannot accidentally feed it weed killer. No, you can’t accidentally, let her play in traffic. What you can do is talk to Neel, and then go and see a counsellor – because you cannot ask the man to give up something dear to him. It cannot be you or the cat. Of course, if you have made your sentiments known to him, and he is still clinging to the cat as though it were his surrogate child or girlfriend, then I’m sorry, but the man has made his choice. It’s time you made yours.
I have noticed something and my friends and I have been wondering about this. Many years ago, once actresses passed a certain age, they started putting on weight. However, actresses today who are close to 50 are still very fit looking. Do you think they have plastic surgery and take diet pills? Or is it because they pay for a personal trainer? My friends and I have been trying to lose weight and it’s a struggle for us. All of us are overweight. But when we watch Bollywood news, and see Madhuri and Shilpa and Karishma looking fit, we think it must be diet pills and surgery. Aap ka kya khayal hai? Note that I have not said anything about Sridevi, she had the figure of an apsara. Surely that can’t just be genetics, nah? Your rai, please?
Aap ko hamari rai chahiye? How about I start with some sawals, you besharam hippopotamus. Bataiye nah, jab aap apni saheliyo ke saath hoti hain, do you eat like a haathi, stuffing your faces with samosas and pakoras? What about each day? Do you consciously monitor what you eat and are able to track all the calories you consume on a daily basis? And do you stop after the first gulab jamun or do you go ek do teen in a heartbeat? The key, my dear, my moti gulabo, my little rasgulla, is to always be vigilant about what you eat. After a certain age, losing weight is hard so the key is not to put it on in the first place. As for those aspersions you’re casting on our beloved Madhuris and Shilpas, well, let me tell it to you straight. They have the discipline and focus you and I will never ever understand. They have been judged on their looks their entire career, so they have always known that that extra pakora will cost them. So for you and your pagal and petu sahelis, stop thinking about surgeries and instead focus on eating less. Kam khaiye, aur more exercise kijiye. This is the only way for you to lose weight and remain svelte. And as for Sridevi, hum ek bhi baat nahi sunna chahate hai tumhari ghatiya zuban se. Sridevi hamari national treasure thi. Aur aap unko badnaam kar rahei hain? Khuda kare aapke sapno me kala kutta aapko kate, aur aapko rabies de. Namaste.