Mums be like…

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Have you noticed how mums say the most hilarious things, even if they don’t mean to?

Photo: Ravinder Jabbal

In moments of stress normally brought on when they’re not happy about what they consider as our latest act of insanity, mums often say something silly that absolutely has us in splits. It’s great having a funny mummy – in addition to all the loving, caring and nurturing, making us laugh is the icing on the cake! That’s why we love our mums!
Mums say:
Have you noticed how you can say the most hilarious things, even if you don’t mean to, and especially to your children? In moments of stress normally brought on when you’re not happy about your child’s latest antics, you say something that, instead of chastising them, makes them break out into disrespectful laughter! When I was your age…
Well, having a sense of humour is just another challenge of motherhood – and don’t we know it!
On homework
Mum: It’s 2 times little bitty 2.
Me: Mum, that’s 2x².
Mum: You can do better than that in maths – you’re an Indian girl/boy.
(When I tell her I got the second highest mark on the maths test)
Mum: Who got the highest?
You call this homework ‘work’? This is how much we had to do in an hour, not over a week.

On technology
Mum: Can you please not change the Google logo on my computer so often!
Me: Mum, Google does that…!
Mum: Slow the music.
(She means turn the volume down).
Do it NOW or else NO wifi for the next whole week.
Are you on Facebook?
Why can’t you switch off the lights/TV/computer when you leave the room? Bijli ka bill kya tumhara baap dega…
(Oh yeah, mum, baap hi to dega!)
Get off that Facebook-shacebook thing!
How can you be texting / facebooking / youtubing / watching TV while doing your homework?

 On fashion
Skirt neeche karo.
(She means my skirt’s too short for her liking).
You can’t go out wearing that!
Will there be boys at your party tonight?
I can get this made in India for half that price.
You’ve got to start ironing your own shirts – don’t assume your wife will iron them for you.
Then why do you still iron Dad’s shirts…?
Go wear your jumper, I’m feeling cold.
If you get that hair off your face everyone will be able to see how pretty you really are.
 On meals
We’re having Indian for dinner again today because we come from India, that’s why!
Dal is very healthy food, ask anyone.
(After her 14th cup of chai: she’s seriously addicted, poor thing).
You are Indian and you call this spicy? Indians ke naam pe kalank ho (you are a blot on the name of the country)
Look at your tond (bulging tummy)… stop eating McDonalds or you will turn into a fat pig.

On driving
We can drive like this, we are Indians.
Don’t make me turn this car around.
I wouldn’t be driving like this if you didn’t make me late.
When I was your age I used to bike or walk to school. No fancy cars for us… learn to appreciate what you have.

 On family
You must marry an Indian boy.
Indians can’t have babies till they are married.
I don’t care if it’s too much: if there are hundred seniors around you have to matha teko (bow before) all of them!
If you don’t learn how to speak Hindi you’ll never know what Dad and I talk about you in front of you
Go to your room… no, wait, you like your room…
Well, you’re the only one who could have done it.
Go ask Dad.
Do you think money grows on trees?
You can do anything, you are an Indian.
Of course you believe in god, you are an Indian.
I don’t care if your friends’ families only invite a few people over at a time; we are Indians and I have to invite everyone we know including uncles, aunties and grandparents or they will get offended.

On parenting
Do you want me to shout at you like a mad woman?
Get out of the shower NOW. (30 seconds after I get into the shower)
Don’t you dare say sh@*! – I will make you wash your mouth out with soap
We are going out for a few hours; you’ll be alone at home, DON’T do anything we wouldn’t want you to do.
We don’t do that in our house.
I used to shiver in fright when my mother scolded me…. look at you, you don’t even listen when I scream at you.
Have you even brushed your teeth?
MMwwwwaaaahhh, smooch, smooch, my little baby, I am so proud of you. Right, go do the dishes now.
Look, learn from the cat, she never answers back.
If your friends jump into the well, will you jump too?
There are no wells any more, mum.
Ok, into the Indian Ocean then!
We don’t live near the Indian Ocean.
Ok (screaming), off the Harbour Bridge then!!
Dad (muttering): Don’t give her ideas.
How many times do I have to repeat the same thing again and again?
Am I talking to a brick wall?
When I was your age I used to help my mum all day…
In our days we never had the guts to questions our parents, look at you…
Am I your servant to pick up your clothes, cook your food and clean your room…?
Can’t you both sit together for 5 minutes without bickering?
You’ll understand my pain when you have your own kids!

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