I was often told by my ex-partner that I asked too many questions. He meant it as a character flaw, but doing so comes naturally to me. It is also the most important aspect of my profession as a journalist. I would not have got the scoops I have in the past had I not asked the pertinent, difficult questions.
For one’s growth in life – whether it is a career, your life’s purpose, or staying in or leaving a relationship, it is important to ask what, how and why. I ended a 16-year relationship after initially turning a blind eye to the gaping chasm which indicated it was a failure. I asked myself what need of mine was being fulfilled by being with an emotionally unavailable person. Why was I hanging on and what did I hope would change? Or was it me, repeating a pattern, unwilling to see what the universe was repeatedly showing me?
The right time to leave
Once I got the answers, I opted out at one of the worst moments of my life. As my beloved German Shepherd Marlowe was living out his last few hours, I told my ex I no longer wanted to live with him. Besides the relief and sense of freedom I felt, it also reiterated the fact that there are no right and wrong times to make a decision. Mine was long overdue but I finally let go.
Not to sound morbid, but does it occur to you to wonder what you would want if you fall sick and are in a coma or critical? Do you want to live on life support and hang on? Or instruct your family while still healthy that if you go on life support, they should pull the plug, especially if you have lived out your life and are not young anymore.
I have. Since I am single and fairly detached from life, I have told my brothers that if I get sick or injured to such an extent that I need to be put on life support, they should pull the plug. I would rather they donate the money to animal shelters instead of ringing up large hospital bills with no guarantee I will survive or make a full recovery.
Choose your battles
If at a job, you are doing your best and you get passed over for a promotion, or someone else gets credit for work you do repeatedly, it really would be to your advantage to walk into your boss’ office and have a frank discussion as to why this is so. It will clarify your worth to the company, and you will know where you stand in the team. If the answer is not to your liking, it will hopefully motivate you to do better or look for another job. The latter would be a sensible option if there is favouritism at play.
Choosing which battles are worth fighting has often led to positive outcomes for me. At my first job, after eight years, when I did not have the confidence to ask these questions of my boss, I asked myself if I wanted to continue fighting office politics. The answer was no, loud and clear. I chose to look for another job. The one I landed has been to date the best job of my life. A liberal boss, flexible hours, opportunities to improve my writing skills, and better pay too.
The same goes for relationships. Asking difficult questions and choosing one’s battles is often the toughest. Sometimes, difficult conversations with our spouses are necessary to make the relationship work.
You should question yourself too. All the time. And if you are an overthinker like me, do so repeatedly till you assimilate what comes up and get the answers you seek. Why do you repeat certain patterns? Why do you accept behaviour from others that is disrespectful? What makes you believe you are unworthy of receiving love, trust, and respect? Why do you accept the value judgements others place on you? And when someone tells you that you are too much of this or that, why do you shrink yourself to fit into their narrow idea of you?
Once you have answered these, you can move on to the decision-making required. Whether you are single or with someone, the clarity will help you set boundaries. You may not always like the answers, for they can introduce you to your shadow self, and not everyone likes what they see when they go within.
The most important difficult question though, which I firmly believe everyone should be asking themselves is this – what is my life’s purpose? Why am I here and what do I do to help my soul grow? Going on about our everyday humdrum lives, with responsibilities and chores often leaves us no time or space to ask this question.
It is the most life-changing question you’ll ever ask yourself. The epiphanies will lead to pockets of joy because you have found your life’s purpose. Whether it is five minutes a day to a few weeks a year, find your ikigai, your source of joy. Ask the difficult questions and you will see – the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind…
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