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You ask, Auntyji answers – no dilemma too big or small!
Noisy kids or nasty neighbours?
I have a set of fraternal twins (a boy and a girl) who are nine, a boy who is seven and a girl who is five. Lately, they have been complaining that when they play outside their ears hurt. I can’t understand what it is – and it seems now my kids have even stopped playing outside and prefer to be indoors. Of course, this means that I have to put up with the constant daudna, chillana, rona dhona. I love my kids but when they are outside, I get some peace and quiet. I don’t live near any electricity station on anything like that, so I don’t understand what my kids mean – but all I know is that my peace and quiet is being corroded by my noisy kids. Are you able to offer solace, please? Note that giving away my kids is not an option, as I doubt that anyone will want them, and I probably should raise them myself. Appreciate your advice, Auntyji.
Hmm. So here you have a situation of your own making and you want peace and quiet? Wait another 10 to 15 years before you can expect peace and quiet and even then, there will be another type of nagging discomfort because your kids aren’t home, or you’re worried about something they’ve done – or not done.
In any case, so you had a boy and girl. Who told you to then go and have more kids? There are enough people on the planet – did you consider that by having more kids, you are increasing your chances of having a serial killer as a kid? But I suppose it’s too late to lecture you about this. So you can barely stand your kids’ constant shouty, screechy shrieks – but you expect your neighbours to do so with barely a complaint? Well, it appears that your neighbours have found a solution to the irritation that are your four bandars carrying on in the backyard. The neighbours have most likely installed a kid repellent, or a ‘Mosquito’. These devices can be bought off the internet, and emit a sound that only young people can hear. You won’t be able to hear it, probably because you are older than 20 and your hearing has been impaired by your bachchon ki awaaz each time they open their mouths. Go outside and see if you can spot a mysterious box outside your neighbours’ home. Mounted on a wall. Maybe like a megaphone. Watch out for the NBN box – because it’s not the same thing. Then gather other kids to conduct an experiment to determine if they too can hear this sound – without germinating this idea in their head in the first place, because kids will always tell you what they think you want to hear. If all the kids hear this mysterious but wildly excruciating sound, then you know your padosan has installed the machchar, aka the Mosquito. Call up your local council and complain about this, because I understand this is illegal. Let me know how you go. And by the way, I really hope you have taken action against propagating your genes further. Unless you are training each of your kids to become the next Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Marie Curie or Arundhati Roy, I suggest you immediately cease all activities that will increase the chances of adding to your qawwali group.
Violence and gender
Recently my husband and I read about a Pakistani lady who threw acid on a man who wouldn’t marry her. We thought it was absolutely hilarious, this reversal of gender violence. How funny it is to see someone turn the tables on the usual aggressor. But when we told this story to Tithli – my brother’s wife – she went pagal and told us off and said that we were uneducated bewakufs. Now this I found very surprising and entirely inaccurate because both my husband and I have PhDs and work at a well-known university. What’s wrong with laughing about this silly event, Auntyji, and what has got Tithli’s goat? What is wrong with this scenario – do you think Tithli is too sensitive?
Ok, Tithli maybe got her description a little distorted. You and your husband are not just uneducated; you are budtehezeeb, bewakuf kaminey. How could you possibly laugh at violence perpetrated against anyone? There is absolutely nothing funny about someone throwing acid on anyone, unless the acid was designed to provoke a particularly relaxed feeling of happiness and the world instantly became psychedelic and rad, dude.
But back to my point about acid being a cheap, convenient and easy to conceal weapon of choice for shaitaans everywhere. People are disfigured and cruelly tormented ever after following acid attacks – there is absolutely nothing funny about this. Tum log kyon has rahe ho? Ye hasne wali baat nahi hai. The fact that the two of you find this funny simply indicates the puerile nature of your personalities and the general lack of emotional intelligence. Clearly your PhDs must have been in an esoteric topic which no one cared about and which really did not teach you much, if you cannot summon an ounce of sympathy for the victim. I suggest you listen to Tithli, and do some soul searching for your lack of insaniyat. By the way, with Tithli, before she ud chali, did she pause at least to sneer in your general direction as though you were something filthy at the bottom of one’s shoe? Well, if she didn’t, she should have, you @%*^%$. Tell me where you live and I can come around and show you why throwing acid on someone’s face is a bad thing.