Our resident agony aunt provides solutions to your dilemmas
Weird celebrity baby names
So, Auntyji, what are your thoughts on Kareena and Saif calling their baby boy Taimur? Why would they call him that, and don’t you think that it’s a little inappropriate seeing the historical significance of that name? All our relatives are having robust discussions about this and I was hoping for your insight. I’m looking forward to your wisdom on this matter.
My dearest gulabo, if you and your rishtedar have nothing better to do with your lives than discuss the name of a bub, then the world is indeed doomed. Seriously, robust discussions about this inane topic? Have you perhaps considered discussing more interesting like how to get gender pay parity or solving the Syrian crisis or how to get Trump to stop harping on about immigrants? Really, do you guys also watch the Kardashians or The Bachelor on TV? Ok, you are giving all immigrants a bad name if this is your pastime.
As for naming of babies, Kareena and Saif could have named their baby anything they wanted – it’s really no one’s business. History tells that historical figures all have shades of grey when viewed with a certain perspective. For example, there are multiple little Stalins running about at recess without a care in the world in primary schools all over Kerala and Bangladesh. Do you have issues with this? You should – perhaps you ought to go on a crusade to stop naming Indian children after Russian mass murderers. And closer to home, how many Indiras do you know? Most of them would be in their 30s even – but at least they were born, which is more than one can say for the victims of the transistor radio scandal. Enough said on that. Let little Taimur be. He is, after all the grandson of the Nawab. He is a chhota nawab. Show him some respect, you peasant.
Black is beautiful
I have been married for five years – it was a love marriage. Lately, I have begun to notice a problem. You see Auntyji, my husband is a very handsome, tall, fair North Indian. He looks like a Bollywood star – and he is built like an action hero. Now I am from the south, and while I am fairly slender and tall, I am quite dark skinned. When people gaze at my husband’s good looks, I am concerned that they are startled at my… lack of beauty when they finally glance at me. I can see it in their eyes. It’s as though they are thinking, what is this kaali kalooti doing with that chickna. I am beginning to develop a complex. I feel jealous of the women gazing at my husband with their big cow eyes. What should I do Auntyji? This is beginning to erode my self-esteem. When I talk to my beloved about this, he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and I should stop worrying about these meaningless things. Can you please help me?
Oh my little padma lakshmi, my little kaali niraali. You need to get yourself some kaali kalooti pride going. Haven’t you seen how beautiful Naomi Campbell is considered? What about Lupita Nyongo? In this country, dark equals exotic and that equals beautiful. You are already tall, slender and dark – so you tick all the boxes for an exotic beauty. Start by seeing what your husband sees in you, and to downplay your beauty is calling into question your husband’s love for you. Respect his views, and start respecting yourself. You can’t change your dark skin. Be like Krishna – he did not apologise for his!
Also, if you are walking around in a faded, frumpy salwar kameez with hair pulled back like an IT worker, and not even kaajal on your nayan, then of course you will feel ugly beside your husband. Go and get your hair styled. Put on some lip gloss. Wear clothes that enhance your figure. Then, when you walk down the street with your he-man, you will leave people with no choice but to stare and say, who is this apsara walking down the street with that rajkumar? Goodness, this woman must be a beauty queen – just look at her!
See, beauty is not just about your skin colour or features. It’s everything. It’s your clothes, your confidence, your demeanour, your gratitude for the blessings you have. So stop looking at your kaala rung as anything less than perfect. Get yourself your kaali kalooti pride, and strut down the street like you own it.