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Show some sense!
I have a bone to pick with you! In the last edition, a poor girl wrote to you about two brothers being in love with her, and you gave her such a moo-phat jawab ki. I am almost ashamed for her. You are supposed to be a dear old lady who helps people who ask for her salaah. Aap kyu unko gaali diya and called her a zaleel aurat? Do you not feel one ounce of sympathy for a poor girl who wrote to you? What if it was your granddaughter – would you speak to her the same way? I am most disappointed in you, Auntyji!
Arre badtameez! Nalayak! How dare you tell me what to write in my column! That stupid girl was fooling around with two naujawans, and if I was that girl’s nani or dadi, I would have pulled her choti and told her to grow up and show some respect. Ye kis tara ki tareeqa hai ki you get drunk and kaali billi ki tara sub ke saath goomo and nacho? I stand by all my words. All girls and boys should show respectable behavior, aur maan maryada are important cheez. Hame lagtha hai ki aap koi low class family se hai, with no izzat to speak of – issi liye you are placing the blame on me for telling the truth to that behaiya ladki. She was a kalaankani, the way she was carrying on, and someone needed to tell her to get real. Of course, it’s kudgarz people like you, who are post modernists and probably think that one should do whatever makes one happy. Really? This is nonsense. Fizul ki baat. I stand by my words and my politics. If you don’t like it, then stop reading my column, or go and write your own. Ek aur baat – what if woh ladki aap ki beti thi? Would you like her to be abusing herself like that? I’m sure you would be grateful for someone like me to tell it to her like it is. Now take it, and go!
Recently, each time I talk to people, they have two things to say to me. One, that young Indian men in Sydney are pervs and sleaze bags; and two, Indian taxi drivers don’t know their way around, they only listen to Bollywood music and talk on their phone while driving. Why is this so, and how should I be responding to people who say these things to me? Obviously, because I am half Australian and half Indian, a lot of people assume that I am just a gora from the burbs. That’s why they are candid in their observations. What should I do? Can you please tell me?
Well, this is an interesting topic! And you are just the man to solve this particular problem – seeing that you are neither a gora nor a kaala. So, I suggest you immediately embark on a journey of discovery, and take it upon yourself to go about and educate these naujawans about proper behaviour. So, hop in the nearest taxi with a driver who looks remotely from the subcontinent, so whether he is Indian, Pakistani Bangladeshi or Sri Lankan – although I personally have not met many Sri Lankan taxi drivers in Sydney – get in the cab with a hearty salaam or kaise hai! Call him a bhai, and tell him you are half Hindustani. This way, they will immediately feel a particular bond with you. Then, start asking them questions, about what they think of women, what’s the worst thing they’ve said or done to a woman, and whether they think it’s ok to impose Bollywood music on gore log. Tell them that just because AR Rahman won an Oscar or whatever it was, does not mean that all white people now think Bollywood auto tunes with no artistic merit is cool. Then once the poor chap tells you what he thinks of women, you must feel duty bound to tell him how he needs to behave with women, assuming that you are not a lech or a perv yourself. You must take it upon yourself to teach these ignorant men how women must be treated, and how they should not listen to Bollywood music or talk on the phone while driving. You must tell them you are their bade bhai, so they must listen to you. They will be so in awe of your social skills and lack of pretension that they will immediately understand the wisdom of your words and change their behaviour. You must be honest and tell them that all Aussies think young Indian men are pervs, so they need to change their behaviour and demonstrate that that they are good Hindustani naujawans. Never mind the fact that one cannot apply generalities to individuals, but for the sake of Hindustani men everywhere, you now have a duty to perform. Can you please report back to me, this topic is too important and entertaining to be confined to your taxi rides home. You now have a social obligation, young man. Now go forth and share your wisdom with all.