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Ask Auntyji: Should I turn vegetarian after all?

Our resident agony aunt answers your dilemmas.

Reading Time: 4 minutes

 

Dear Auntyji

I am a 45-year-old man who has been a meat eater for 20 years, except for that one time in 2006 when I tried to be a vegetarian for 10 months. Lately though I have been eating less and less meat, like my wife who is a strict vegetarian. But every now and again, I get a hankering for pork belly. Last weekend, by chance, I didn’t manage my day well enough, and decided at 2pm that I really wanted Chinese food. I ordered sweet and sour pork from a restaurant. I didn’t see their message that they had cancelled my order.

So in desperation, I ordered a chicken burger from a local café, and when it was delivered late, it was at best lukewarm. I wolfed it down to almost immediate regret. I have been unwell ever since. My wife tells me this is self-inflicted. Do you have any sympathy for me, Auntyji? A man has gotta eat, nah?

Auntyji says

Arre, listen up, you petu, I will say this sirf ek baar. Have you learnt nothing over the last two decades of your life, you wacky bhediya? Has COVID not taught you anything? What about SARS, AIDS, bird flu, swine flu, mad cow disease? Well, I will take a deep saans before I tell you what I think. All of these strange and crazy diseases us people log are suffering from, have an animal origin – and this is because we eat these animals, or we drive them out of their natural habitats, or we live too close to them. So of course we are going to get these diseases. Our people from the Indus Valley gave the world vegetarianism – and we have shown that an entire continent of people can be fed on a tasty, wholesome and wholly nutritious plant-based diet. Then you come along, having learnt nothing on your penthalis saal on this planet, wanting to eat the flesh of the swine.

Oh you shameless paapi. Tumhare mouh me kida pade. We all know we are what we eat, so by this logic, you are a janwar. Actually, you are lower than a janwar – because at least some janwars like cow and sheep, don’t go around eating us insaan.

I’m pleased that chicken burger exacted its revenge on you. I hope this continues for another week at least. And as you sit upon the throne you deserve, mere kwahish hai ki you seriously contemplate going fully veg – you hopeless khali (empty) box.

READ ALSO: Auntyji: On Kareena Kapoor’s baby… and the Royal Family drama

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Dear Auntyji 

I love reading your columns, Auntyji, you provide such good guidance and you always make me laugh. You are just too good, yaar, too good! To suno mera conundrum. I am a Punjabi man, and my wife is Chinese from Beijing. She is very beautiful and some people have told me that I too am very attractive. But this is nothing new nah, everyone knows ki Punjabi mundeyas are top notch. So anyway, we now have a two-year-old sundari, Shana Aravi. And I know I am biased, but she really is very attractive. When we post her pictures on Facebook, we get lots of comments.

Baat yeh hai, Auntyji, ki when we are out in public, minding our own business, we notice people staring at Shana Aravi. My wife thinks it’s because no one has ever seen a Punjabi Chinese girl before. Aap ki rai kya hai?

Auntyji says

Oh my goodness, kahan se shuru karoon? Pehli baat to ye hai ki main totally agree karti hoon ki Punjabi mundeyas are such chicknas. Many summers ago I met this Punjab ka naujawan named Kulwant. Oh, he was such a sher. He stood 6 feet 4 inches and had a deep and booming voice and sometimes, he would sing…. wait, I am getting distracted.

Achcha lo, main hosh me aah gayi. Ok, let’s just assume that people are looking at Shana Aravi because she is exotically beautiful. Also, she is a toddler so all toddlers are cute, except Pushpa bahen’s granddaughter Roopa – who is as ugly as a grain of mung dal left in the sun too long and who is now a walking talking example of having the most mismatched name ever…

Anyway, my behas with you is that you are posting pictures of your baby on Facebook. Kisne tumhe permission di ki bacche ke foto you upload to Facebook? I have been saying for at least a decade now that FB is not a good place – but jahils like you baat hi nahi mante. You can put your own pictures on there because you are a narcissist, that we all get. But our little gulab jamun Shana Aravi ne to permission nahi diya nah? And you wonder about randoms staring at your baby in the raasta and gali but you don’t worry about the eyeballs and comments on FB? Well, at least you are good looking- because when it came to akal, you drew the short straw, nah?

READ ALSO: Auntyji: On smoking and on office politics


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Auntyji
The original Australian sub-continental agony aunt. Email: info@indianlink.com.au

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