Saturday, February 27, 2021

No surprise, and arty-farty

Reading Time: 4 minutesUntitled
No surprise
Dear Auntyji
I was hoping you could enlighten me. Auntyji, my wife whom I love very much from the top of my heart to the bottom of my feet is a bit angry with me and I don’t really know why. Last month, it was her 40th birthday. Now, my wife does not like surprises, in fact, she hates them; but because this was a major milestone, I thought I would surprise her with a party for family and friends. I planned it to the last detail and had so much fun doing it. Everyone was sworn to secrecy and even though some of my friends asked me if Anita would like the surprise, I was confident that she would be so delighted about everything that she would get over her surprise. My wife did not suspect a thing – because  I never surprise her and so she was not expecting it. In any case, the day arrived and at the special moment, Anita walked through the door after going for a run and she was surprised by 50 people singing happy birthday to her. Auntyji, you should have seen her face. She turned as white as a bhoot and then smiled politely at everyone. But after the party, nothing has been the same between us. She keeps to herself and does not say very much to me. In fact, we have not spoken of the party; it’s as if it never happened. Now Auntyji, can you tell me how I should handle this situation? I just want things to go back to normal. Can you please tell me what to do?
Auntyji says
Oh, my, aap ne ye kya kar dala? Now you know what will happen in your house, nah? Your wife is currently like a jwala mukhi, a volcano about to burst and burn you up with her angaren. Who told you to go and surprise your wife, jab aap jaante the, ki aap ki wife ko surprises pasand naheen hai? Kis ne aap se kaha ki this will be a successful event? You should have thought long and hard about this, but what is most obvious to me is that your selfishness got the better of you. You planned the surprise because this is what you wanted, not because Anita wanted it. Arre akl ke dushman, if you had spent some time thinking about this, and if you had understood Anita, you would know that the surprise is the last thing she wanted. You have shown that you are a selfish man, and now she is probably thinking of her own mid-life crisis, and what she is doing with a naasamajh like you. So unless you want her moving out of the ghar, or throwing you into the doghouse, I suggest that you start making amends. Go and plan events to make up for your shortsightedness. Buy her jewellery, take her on a holiday, do something to show her how sorry you are, and tell her why you were wrong to plan a surprise. Then keep saying sorry until she forgives you. You need to know that you breached your wife’s expectations. She hates surprises, yet you went ahead and planned one. This is one giant mistake. So, start making up for it pronto, buddy, otherwise you will become a divorce statistic, no doubt.
Dear Auntyji
I have a conundrum I need your help with. I work in advertising, and so have access to some nifty stuff. We are about to buy a house, and I would like some art for the house. I am a fan of Murray Frederick’s work and when I worked on his account last year, I got access to some of his famous pictures. Now, his pictures sell for approx $11,000. I don’t want to spend this kind of money and I want to print his picture, frame it and put it on my wall. My wife has issues with this. I think no one will be harmed in this; it’s a win-win situation for all. What do you think? How can I convince my wife that this is perfectly legit?
Auntyji says
Arre kumbakht! What kind of stupid husbands are writing to me now. Let me be blunt here, you chandal, you chor. What you are planning on doing is stealing. You are taking the work of someone else and not paying for it. How can you not see what you are doing? Has Murray Frederick given you permission to use his work? Did he say that he is happy for you to print off his image and put it on your wall? Unless you get his endorsement, then what you’re doing is wrong. Your wife is right. Listen to her. Stop bringing shame on our people. If you can’t afford it, then don’t have it. Art is not meant to be copied and stolen, you bewakuf.

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The original Australian sub-continental agony aunt. Email: info@indianlink.com.au

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