Mai to museebat mein phas gayi hoon. My Australian-born beautiful husband of Indian descent has started a really really bad habit which he has been doing for 6 months and it’s driving me crazy. So this is his habit and I am really really hoping you can provide me with good advice on what I should do.
Each time we go driving, especially in Parramatta in Sydney, if another driver upsets my husband, he rolls down his window and shakes his fist and yells profanities in a desi uncleji accent. Oh you bloody basket, can’t you drive properly? Or, arre pagal, do you have eyes or aloo – can’t you see my lane? Now normally he speaks with a very broad Australian accent, but his uncleji accent is almost too perfect. At first it was funny but now I am alarmed that other drivers will not see the humour of this. Are you able to please provide me with guidance?
Arre, tumhara patidev tho bahut hi gunda nikla. Which Aussie-born nayak takes on a panga with other drivers by yelling at them like a demented uncle high on ganja? This is exactly the type of behaviour that could get him beaten up. Sydney drivers are notoriously crazy – so your husband is playing with aag. Could it be that he behaves like this because tumhe bahut hi maaza atta hai listening to hubby do his best impersonation of a sharaabi uncle high as a kite on charas getting the crankies with other NRIs? So if aapko yeh tamasha achcha lagta hai, tho he must be doing it for your benefit. I suggest you curtail all encouragement of this behaviour, and advise patidev to stop behaving like a lafanga mawaali. Nothing achcha will come from this. Baat maano and apne aadmi ko kuch akal do.
Out of the mouths of babes
We are a fairly close family and I get along really well with my brothers’ wives – who are all in Adelaide. Fortunately, we all have kids the same age and so there are many sleepovers etc. Now even though we are close, I have been given the impression my sisters-in-law have some misgivings about me. And I learnt this from their children, who are 7 and 8. The past few times they have slept over, they have – out of the blue – told me things that they had heard their parents discuss. For example, little Manya told me her mum did not want to give their cleaners number to me because then my house would be cleaner then hers. And chhutki Nadia told me that my samosas aren’t as tasty as her mum’s because that’s what her mum told her dad. Now, what do I do, Auntyji, should I confront my bhabis with this information and ask for a please explain? Any advice is welcome.
Ok, tell me this. When little kishmish Manya and little gulab jamun Nadia innocently told you these things, what was your reaction? Did you show them a whole lot of interest in what they were saying – and they could see that you were very interested in what they had to say? Or, like a good nanad, you told these little gossip mongers that repeating what their parents said is not a nice aadat? And afterwards, did you tell your bhabis that they should watch what they say around their kiddies? No, I bet a kalmoohie like you did none of these decent things, and you probably encouraged the kids to tell you more. Well, while Naughty Nadia and Mischievous Manya were telling you gossip from their homes, your own little laddoo was telling your bhabis some choice nuggets that you had discussed with your husband. So my advice to you is this. Tell the bhabis that the kids have been repeating their private conversations to you, and tell Manya and Nadia that achche bacche ghar ghar ki baat nahi failate. So don’t be a kalankani. What goes round comes round. So mouh band, and Bura mat suno, Bura mat dekho and Bura mat karo, samjhe na?