METROSEXUAL HUSBAND
DEAR AUNTYJI
I’m a medical professional in my early 50s and my husband works in finance. On
Thursdays, I work shifts, so I come home late while my husband catches up with
his friends. Last Thursday, my shift ended early. I got home to see my husband in
the bath, surrounded by candles, wearing one of my face masks, his hair oiled as
he gently buffed his fingernails, while Mohammad Rafi’s soothing voice serenaded
him on the stereo. My husband is a very conservative man, and main pareshaan
hoon about this roop of his. I always wondered why my beauty products ran out
so quickly – now I know. I was so surprised that I snuck out of the bedroom and
went out grocery shopping. When I returned two hours later, Navin was watching
TV. We didn’t discuss what I had seen. When I asked him about his evening, he said
he worked late and had been watching TV while waiting for me. Auntyji, main kuch
boloon ya rahene doon? I’m so surprised by all this and am wondering what else
my hubby does when I’m not home. What’s your rai on this?
AUNTYJI SAYS
Arre meri na akal, nasamaj gulabo – when I started reading your problem, I thought
you’d come home early to find your husband in the bath with titli from next door,
or that after the bath, Navin tried on your clothes, including the gold and red sari
you bought for Jamila’s wedding. Instead, you write to me about a man’s private
ablutions, as if it’s a crime. Arre jahil aurat, your poor husband was minding his
own business at home, relaxing. Instead of viewing this as something sweet,
you’re corroding its innocence into something sinister. Don’t you watch enough
Bollywood movies to know that your real problems would have started had you
come home to find titli in the bath with Navin, feeding each other gulab jamuns
and listening to songs from Mere Mehboob? Navin should be allowed his “me time”
without having to explain things to you. He has every right to a scented milk bath
filled with rose petals, donning a Chanel face mask while eating besan ladoos and
listening to Kishore Kumar songs. In fact, you should try it too. As long as neither of
you ask titli to join you in the bath, everything here is halal. Live and let live.
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OPPOSITE OF FRIEND-ZONED
DEAR AUNTYJI
I’m a 34-year old Australia-born man (of Indian descent). I have been on many
dates, but I find many of the girls to be….not my type. They’re all on social media,
and I’m not. They take photos with their tongues hanging out, and come across
as superficial. My best friend Neena, a brilliant scientist who I went to university
with, says she wants me to be happy and is always trying to play match-maker
by setting me up on dates. I go on these dates, mostly to please her and find an
amusing story for us to share afterwards. Neena is my confidant. Like me, she has
never been on social media. When she speaks, she says insightful things. I feel
like she understands me really well – yet, she sets me up with women who are
clearly not right for me. I have tried to set Neena up with some of my friends, but
she is picky and refuses to go on dates with them. I’m interested in marriage –
but am at a loss about finding the right girl. What options are there for me, auntyji
– I am getting older by the day!
AUNTYJI SAYS
Arre my nadaan Romeo, my nasamaj chickna, aankhen hain ya aloo ki tumhe
nahin dikhta what is right in front of you. You’ve been searching high and
low for this anmol pari, that beautiful, elusive girl who is intelligent, attractive,
has a brilliant mind, is not on social media and most importantly, does not take
pictures with her tongue hanging out like Kaali maa in one of her murderous
rages. While Neena, with whom you’ve been friends for over a decade, is right
before you. Are you really that blind? Do you still not see her being your wife?
Neena’s setting you up for failure with girls who are the exact opposite of her, in
the hope that you’ll see her attributes – and you’re being completely oblivious.
Tum mard log bhi nah, kitne nadaan aur nasamaj ho. Neena is obviously the
right girl for you. It’s time to turn that dosti into mohabbat. Ask her out. You can
just start off with something casual. But mere raja, tumhari mehbooba tumhare
aakhon ke samne hain. Now go, and don’t forget to invite me to your wedding
shedding.