Empathy, the capacity to ‘see from another’s point of view’, is one quality that appears rare, and seems even more so in those in power. Compassion, the capacity to feel with the disadvantaged and less fortunate members of society, seems again less visible in those who are materially well-endowed. Surprisingly, these qualities seem much more discernible in the actions of the less fortunate members of our society. Perhaps when one equates happiness with material comforts and becomes dependent on it, one becomes reluctant to share it.

In everyday life we need to develop a capacity to see the other’s point of view. Society is made of individuals, yet we need to learn to live as a community for many everyday things. We are interdependent and need each other, however independent we may think we are. We need each other for more than providing material comfort. True happiness stems from seeing the smile on a needy face when one offers a helping hand. It seems to validate our very existence only when we truly alleviate another’s discomfort.

The division between people either globally or within any one country seems to be growing ever so wider. We spend hours eulogizing about developed and developing countries, yet the basic qualities of empathy and compassion appears less apparent, the more ‘developed’ we become!

Recently in my travels within India, many stories brought home to me the fact that ‘giving’ and sharing are much more spontaneous in those who may not be materially endowed. The story of a young man who has initiated a trust called “Shady centre” particularly caught my eye as I was leaving to return to Sydney. This man was unable to go through school for lack of electricity in his home and lack of support from his ‘drunken father’. He became disgruntled with life when unable to pass his exams, and decided to take his life. Upon seeing a number of homeless men and women in a village far away from his home, he joined them for a night which changed his life around. He vowed he would repay their kindness for stopping him from the path of self-destruction. They fed him and took care of him for those first few days after he left home. He decided then the best way to repay them would be by feeding and caring for as many as he could each day. He worked in many places and has managed to gather a host of well-wishers, many of whom are college students. He puts away 10% of his earnings for these small projects. He has a website and asks for help for schools where children need uniforms, and need to be given food. He calls it ‘food of love’ and volunteers cook and take the food to various locations. He has arranged with many wedding halls for excess food from their catering to be delivered to hostels for the aged and other locations.

This is but one story among several others. Yes, there are people who have empathy and compassion. For these people their sense of innate value does not depend on material things and so it becomes easy to share what little they have.

In a global sense, those economically and politically powerful and influential appear to be oblivious to the plight of millions who are affected directly or indirectly by the self centered decisions they make. Recent revelations in the press from many countries around the world are a testimony to the prevalence of the lack of empathy everywhere. In the name of democracy, unilateral decisions are taken without consideration of its intrusiveness. Exploitation of the poor, the weak, the uneducated and other minority groups is present in all societies. A very obvious example is the lack of transparency in political decision-making and laws that absolve those who make them!

It is in the absence of compassion and empathy that violence, hatred and bigotry germinate and grow. Those who have no sense of how others feel would have no clue as to how their decisions may be affecting others. They continue to act totally from a self-centered perspective. If each of us were to act in a similar way, what may befall the human race?

If each of us could only start to develop and implement a small amount of empathy, a little bit of compassion in our everyday life, the world would surely be a much better place.

The very word “ relationship” assumes an active interaction with another. One is relating to another, so there are at least two people involved in this exercise.  No relationship however brief, casual and sometimes even trivial, is totally meaningless. Every time we have interacted for however brief a period with someone, some information has been exchanged which will be retained by those involved. Sometimes it can be a very valuable source to understand oneself better. Relationships are never static. Every relationship goes through changes constantly, despite appearing stable in some aspects.

Matrimonial mystery

Celebrating silver and golden anniversaries in themselves don’t reflect a ‘good’ marriage. It is well known that many couples stay on in a marriage for reasons such as economical dependence or because it is culturally frowned upon to separate. Any long-term relationship that has survived external challenges for many years and presented a united front is to be commended. This however doesn’t necessarily reflect marital satisfaction or happiness. There may be an absence of obvious unhappiness, but the emotional storms raging within the partners may very well have surfaced on many occasions within the safe confines of their home.

If time spent together doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness, what else may be needed for a ‘good’ relationship? What contributes to happiness or satisfaction in a long-term relationship? These questions arise time and again. Obviously there is no single or simple answer.

Making it work

A sustained level of happiness in a relationship requires not just adhering to societal norms, but a certain mind-set that will bring a level of contentment in the relationship. The right attitude to appreciate the ups and downs that are likely to arise when two individuals spend time together is vital to make it a success. In simple words the relationship has to start with the strong determination that both are prepared to work at it – ‘for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health’ and a desire to make it work. On the other hand, if one goes into a relationship with the idea that ‘I can always leave if it doesn’t work’, this provides a way out that never allows for total commitment.

Quite often the length of the marriage is mistaken for commitment. The commitment made by both partners is reflected in the level of emotional intimacy and trust that both have towards the other. This can be a ‘feeling of comfort’ in the partner’s company, a sense of ‘being on the same wavelength’, a ‘feeling of being connected’ at an emotional level and a willingness to appreciate differences. Often this may be illustrated by being involved in finding solutions to the problems that they face or making joint decisions, whether they are major or trivial.

A time for trust

When partners feel at ease and doubt-free about the other, there are ways of finding creative solutions to problems that surface from time to time. ‘Two heads are better than one’ is a common cliché, and it is certainly true in successful relationships. Consulting each other in decisions that have to be made, however trivial, is a fundamental requisite for a truly successful, satisfied and happy relationship. The satisfaction that comes from being truly involved in all aspects of the relationship contributes to maintaining a strong relationship.

Relationships that survive without intimacy or involvement, with each partner leading parallel lives are not necessarily successful or happy ones. It is often referred to as a ‘marriage of convenience’ and is not necessarily a happy one. Often such relationships continue from negative energies created and maintained by criticisms, and lack of respect. Perhaps one could even refer to them as ‘marriages of inconvenience’! Successful relationships, on the other hand, allow each partner to have the freedom to be who they are without constant attempts to change them to be what one would like them to be. In such relationships each allows the other to grow, appreciating each other’s strengths and supporting the partner to reduce each other’s weaknesses.

Mutual attraction, which can be mistaken for true love, alone may not suffice to maintain a strong relationship. True love is made of many important values. Successful long-term relationships are based on good communication, cooperation between partners, enjoying contentment, affirming a strong commitment and providing companionship. This is perhaps best illustrated in the well-known and oft quoted passage from Corinthians 13: ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’

Our sense of who we are is conditioned, though in a cosmic sense quite wrongly, often to where we live, and the profession we work in. Whilst these outward facts do influence our thinking, we have somehow allowed them to so overwhelm us that we may have lost our true sense of who we are deep inside in the very core of our being. Most of us realize we are more than what we look like, what we wear or what jobs we do. Yet we also seem to be swayed by others’ opinion and sometimes our own irrational beliefs.

Either one of the ways of dealing with the discomfort of migration, by denying the discomfort or by dwelling on it, only postpones the time of adjustment and acceptance of the choice that has been made. It is a voluntary choice for most people, and as such one has to accept the consequences of the decision. Only then will one be able to live contently, and enjoy the happiness which we all seek.

However, when expatriates decide to return home, the initial excitement is around the knowledge that they will no longer be a ‘foreigner’. ‘Home’ is where they don’t have to think about being different, where they no longer have to apologise for every act of their fellow countryman’s eccentricities and need never think about navigating strange and unknown ways of behaving. That is in theory.

In reality, what the expat doesn’t expect is that ‘home’ now demands more getting used to than abroad. Time has not stood still at ‘home’. The shock and horror at having to do things differently in one’s own country! Surely living in a different country meant adjusting to strange and unknown ways, but to have to confront the same thing in one’s own country is unthinkable. Up to a point this is true. We know how to behave at home (if we haven’t forgotten) and usually we know what to expect (even though we may be a bit rusty on this point).

We all expect ‘home’ to be a place where everything will be familiar and we just slot in. But what we forget is that ‘home’ also means a certain way of behaving with certain people at the time, and routines that were present at the time. And now suddenly after a period of absence, things have changed at ‘home’, things that we didn’t expect to change.

While we have been away, relationships have been formed, some have been broken and yet others are waiting in the wings to be made. Children of relatives have become young men and women who are very self-assured with their own ideas. Older relatives who were self-reliant have now become more dependent.

Living away from one’s culture allows a certain flexibility in behaving, which may not be allowed back in one’s own culture. Everything that made you different and an object of curiosity also brought you a lot of attention in an alien culture, but now suddenly you are one in a million similar people and you are not special any more! “You are one of the crowd,” V.S. Naipaul wrote of his first visit to India. And this merging with the rest may initially be a shock to many.

Some on the other hand, go out of their way to merge and be a ‘local’. Some may insist on doing without the conveniences they have become used to in an effort to be at ‘home’ in their own ‘home’. There are also those who actively resist ‘fitting back in’. The new anonymity is too harsh to digest.

And so we often see the expatriate return to the status of being an ex-patriot. The difficulty in engaging the interest of one’s family and friends about their ‘overseas experience’ is truly vexing for some. The novelty of ‘slide shows’ is not there anymore, as many have been overseas themselves. It seems no one is particularly welcoming, nor have the time to rejoice at this mammoth decision of the ex-patriot to return home.

Soon it becomes obvious that much readjustment is required to be able to live back in one’s own culture. Another fundamental cultural adjustment, quite different to the first one is now needed. Being so acclimatised to foreign culture for so long, one may expect the ‘known’ culture to be the same as what it was overseas. The fact is, re-entry in to one’s own culture can be as unsettling as the culture shock one experienced on the first overseas trip. The sting hurts.

There are some moments in our lives that stand apart from all others. One such is the arrival to a new country to take up permanent residence. Coming to live in a culture that is very different to one’s own is quite a shock, however familiar we may feel about the new country. We may have heard about the country from others, we may have read about it in books, perhaps dreamt of it as youngsters or visited as a tourist. But when the decision is taken to migrate and take up residence permanently, it brings on a different dimension altogether.

Mixed emotions

It is a time when a kaleidoscope of powerful and opposing emotions bombard us. There is a sense of excitement, apprehension, awe, worry, happiness, sadness, hope, fear, guilt. The excitement of the new is tinged with the sadness of leaving behind loved ones. Optimism is coloured with apprehension of the unknown. Fear and hope create a tug of war within. Just about the whole spectrum of emotions seems to come to the surface all at once. It is indeed a true moment of transition. As with all periods of transition, unknown elements can make it quite unsettling.

Such moments are also quite demanding. It seems each of us deal with them in our own unique fashion.  Many totally deny the anxieties that surface, yet others succumb and find it very hard to adjust. Some immerse themselves in the practicalities of finding a place to live or employment. Invariably if the family has arrived together, the parents are busy with immediate practical necessities. The children meanwhile, become totally engrossed with material luxuries.  And while practical demands get attended to, emotional demands are often ignored.

Settling in

Almost always, the father is busy settling in and dealing with the demands of a new job and the children are busy dealing with the demands of a new educational system. Meanwhile, the mother acts as the emotional backup to everyone in the family without any acknowledgement of her own emotional needs. There seems to be a general fear that if one acknowledges the emotions being experienced, it is a sign of weakness. After all, “everything will be right once we get settled in work, school etc” has been a recurring slogan all through the preparations for the move. Yet, many people have not really grasped the immensity of the decision.

Choosing to live in a foreign land is no easy task as one by one the changes and what is being expected of them emerge, day by day. Living in an affluent country means no electricity cuts or acute water rationing, but it also means no traditional buffers such as extended family and long-standing friends who are around for emotional support. What you gain on the swings, you may lose on the roundabout!

Challenge of change

For some people, the feelings of homesickness can be quite overwhelming. The comfort of the familiar is profoundly missed. The challenge of the new changes can go from being exciting to daunting. It is something that is experienced quite often, even after a substantial period of time. So what was initially seen as quite manageable slowly becomes onerous. Sometimes this feeling is so overwhelming that some do not stay as long as intended, and return prematurely.

Yet others cope by totally denying the presence of this feeling altogether. Now that they have made the decision to move, they have to make it work. One way of dealing with this discomfort is to take stock of what has been gained and what has been left behind. It seems when the move has to be justified in the face of discomfort, the person chooses to focus only on the negatives of the country that has been left and the positives of the new country of residence.

This approach somehow allows the individual to validate the reason for the migration. These are the people who constantly draw attention to everything that goes wrong in the old country, and will not mention any of the discomfort that they are feeling in the new place of residence. This not dissimilar to political campaigns when one candidate digs up the worst in his opponent’s past when he is unable to focus on his own assets. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. This is a way of reducing discomfort and convincing oneself that the decision to move was the right one.

Attitudes on arrival

There is a slight difference when we look at the migration experience depending on how and when the person decided to come here. Most migration to Australia from the subcontinent was from professionals in the late sixties and early seventies. For these individuals, there was an ease in fitting into the new milieu because of their profession and language proficiency. It was easy to make friends with one’s neighbours and necessity being the mother of invention, they socialized more in the ways of the new culture while still retaining strong ties with the subcontinent.

However the face of the migrant from the subcontinent countries has changed considerably in the last ten to fifteen years. We have family reunions where retired parents have joined their sons and daughters, and we now have people who have migrated and want to take up senior positions as professional, skilled and administrative personnel. There are many more migrants who seem to move after they have reached a level of seniority in their careers. This can be particularly difficult, for being used to senior levels, they may initially find it quite frustrating to take up junior positions.

There are many who have migrated as refugees without choice, to escape political changes and yet others have arrived as students hoping for a better future. With changes in economic conditions and resource limitations, they face difficulties in obtaining employment that matches their experience and expertise. It seems only during moments of uncertainties, the question always arises “was my decision to migrate the right one? Should I have continued where I was?” The absence of known support systems is acutely felt, and the person feels quite alone and almost abandoned.

Many others deal with it quite differently. They often longingly daydream of their home left behind – be it voluntarily or involuntarily. They feel totally disloyal to their country of origin if they somehow accept that the decision to move was indeed for the better, at least in some respects. The ties with the past are somehow hard to sever instantly. So for long periods they often talk of their ‘home’ as the one left behind. There is often a clear reluctance to talk of where they now live as ‘home’. It is almost as if there is a feeling of disloyalty similar to a sense of betrayal in a political climate, if they were to call where they now have chosen to live as ‘home’. Is it a fear they feel, that they will lose their identity?

A subtle transition

Yet there comes a time when one starts to mention by name the country of origin, rather than refer to it as ‘home’. Quite often there is no awareness of this moment of transition. But if one were to carefully look back, one could become aware of the subtle change that comes about by making this transition. Some are able to do this fairly early on, for others it may take a long time. It seems that a certain resolution takes place with the acceptance of the new ‘home’.

The restlessness is quelled and it becomes easier to move on. Perhaps the time has come for the individual to no longer tie up their sense of identity with one nationality or passport. Global citizenship is here to stay and the earlier we accept it, the easier our lives become.  Acceptance of this fact does not in any way discount our background or the sense of who we are.

Moments of transition punctuate our lives constantly. Some are more obvious and some are far more subtle. These are the times when a word spoken at a particular time, or a thought that flits across your mind ever so fleetingly, marks a defining moment of change. Sometimes we are aware of these moments, at other times they pass us by and the moment is gone. Looking back, acting on these intuitive flashes of insight provides the catalyst we need, perhaps to move in a particular direction or help resolve a long unacknowledged feeling. This insight may be helpful to resolve that nagging feeling about something or it may signal a major life change.

When one chooses to live away from their country of origin, two moments come to mind. Like many people in the world today, when someone crosses cultures, one learns to be in and not of, the new culture – at home but slightly outside. This experience also brings a different perspective to important moments in one’s life.  One, in retrospect, would be the moment when the decision to leave one’s country was taken and the other much later, when the feeling of loss of what was left behind is no longer as devastating as it was in the beginning.

Sometimes these moments often turn into prolonged periods of transition, for the change brings with it a multitude of emotions that leave one unsettled for extended periods. These emotions often sway like a pendulum between fear and hope, excitement and despair, joy and sorrow, and confidence and diffidence. However they also mark a significant shift in one’s thinking.

In the early stages of voluntary transitions, the thinking is one of complete optimism. There is no room for negativity or pessimism. But soon this may change in the face of frustration or the first hint of a negative outcome. Doubt about the decision to make the transition rears its ugly head. The mind resorts to a state of cognitive dissonance, focusing on the negatives of what has been left behind, thus justifying to itself the decision that had to be made and letting day-to-day activities distract and dominate life.

The next moment of transition occurs when suddenly the mind stops tricking itself but begins to genuinely accept the change with confidence. Initially the feeling is one of reluctance to accept the change that is taking place in one’s thinking. Often some may see it as a weakness that they are now succumbing to the ‘unwanted’ change. It is often equated with being disloyal to one’s culture of origin and so it is not allowed to continue. The mind resorts to many justifications and rationalizations in trying to lessen the feelings of loss, guilt and betrayal.

However once the shift has occurred, nothing can make it go back. Eventually once this acceptance in thinking happens, it lessens the turmoil in the mind. It signals the start of a new focus with renewed energy. Plans are made to make the best of the present and new ideas are allowed to enter and germinate. The mind begins to focus on the present without regrets.

Moments of transition are exhilarating and imbue one with the excitement to embrace changes. However, until the initial apprehensions are satisfied, they also have the capacity to unsettle. The art is in becoming aware of these contrasting emotions, accepting them and acting on them appropriately. 

When the mind starts playing games with us, it’s time to take a look at ourselves. Mind games can take a dangerous turn if left unattended. “It is all in the mind” is a phrase that is often tossed around when people talk about their fears or self-esteem. The general advice is, “It is how you view it. It is your perspective. So, all you got to do is just change it.” But sometimes things can be more complicated than we think. We have no control over our thoughts, they come and go, and often change the way we feel. We can feel on top of the world or deep down in the dumps.  For most of us, this low feeling stays for a few hours and then something silly may perk us up and make us feel better. But think of those people who are not able to forget, pick up or even drag themselves out of gloom. Their sadness seems to just go on and on, and they don’t even know why.

High incidence of mental illness in youth and children Last month, I attended a seminar at the University of NSW on the Mental Health and Wellbeing of Young People. Prominent exponents from various fields spoke about issues affecting the mental health of our young people and the challenges they face. It was a real revelation and a learning curve. Coming from the subcontinent and lucky enough to have children who have never had ‘issues’, I was amazed at the predicaments facing the youth of today, and the kind of information to which they are exposed. There are indeed, a number of reasons why we should be concerned about their mental health. Prof. Patrick McGorry, Australian of the Year 2010, has been working for the past 27 years promoting youth mental health and early intervention in Australia and across the globe. It is believed that even brief and mild mental disorders can affect the psyche of a young person, tampering with his ability to function at his full potential. These mild instances or episodes can be due to failure at school (too high expectations to match), unstable employment and/or a poor social and family infrastructure.

More and more cases of children with poor mental health are being reported every day. But unfortunately, this is one topic that parents of these children would rather not talk about. There is fear of social condemnation and the general feeling that poor mental health means a person is “mental” or crazy. Depression is rampant among today’s young generation and is one of the major downsides of changing times and modernity. According to WHO, “Mental health is defined as a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.” A mental health problem can interfere with a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour and if not addressed at the right time, can become a mental illness. The myths, misunderstandings and negative attitudes almost always end up with stigmatisation of the individual by family and friends.

In NSW, the month of October is being observed as Mental Health Month, with the WHO observing October 10 as World Mental Health Day. Beyond Blue observed this month as ‘Anxiety and Depression Awareness’ month, and e ‘Stress Less Day NSW’ was on October 13. The emphasis on mental health is because it is believed that nearly 877,000 people around the world die each year of suicide.  With changing times, the mental health of an individual is more at risk than ever before, and the increasing number of young people with poor mental health is appalling and alarming. Studies in Australia also show that mental health is the major cause of worry among those aged between 15 and 24 years with depression, anxiety and substance misuse being the most prevalent problems. And often these people are subjected to social isolation, high mortality and poor quality of life.

Drugs and alcohol People with mental pain often want relief and escape. Drugs and alcohol appear more fancy and the ‘in’ thing when compared to medical advice. The Better Health Channel says that many people with alcohol and drug addiction have a range of mental health problems, like anxiety and depression. It is almost a vicious cycle, for people turn to alcohol and drugs to get them out of their poor states of mind which in turn, drags them deeper into the abyss of depression or anxiety. The abused substance can also be tobacco and medication. There is evidence that alcohol increases the risk of poor mental health conditions. People with an alcohol dependence problem most often have other mental health problems. Situations can become fatal when drugs, alcohol and mental health disorders coexist. Excessive drinking due to depression and /or anxiety can lead to self harm and suicide.

Body Image Glossy magazines and beauty pageants have had detrimental effects on the issue of body image. Sometimes even too small is not small enough, for some people. Studies show that while females are worried about their dress size, males are now looking for buffer bodies. This can lead to eating disorders. Studies conducted by the ORYGEN Research Centre show that there is an evident connection between high levels of disordered body image and development of eating disorders. “Body image encompasses feelings of body satisfaction, self esteem and beliefs of appearance,” indicates the study, showing that there is a recognised link between depression and high levels of body image disturbance.

Talk about mental health While it is said that a healthy mind resides in a healthy body, it would be more appropriate to say that a healthy mind is responsible for a healthy body. Good mental health is a vital part of overall good health and well being. We all have mental health, just like we all have physical health. But we seem to have a lot more control over the state of our body than we do over the state of our mind. Just like we monitor our bodies for potential problems, aches or pains and immediately address it with a visit to the doctor, we should keep tabs on our mental health as well, and try to recognise when it needs some attention. A cut finger does not cure itself nor does a broken bone mend itself; similarly if you have been feeling ‘low’ for more than a couple of days, do not wait for it to go away. Talk to somebody about it. It may be nothing, but we all know that prevention is better than cure. According to WHO, depression will be the biggest health problem worldwide by the year 2020. That is a frightening predication.

People shy away from talking about poor mental health or seeking treatment for the problem because they are worried about negative attitudes from those whom they approach. They are worried about their acceptance in the profession of their choice, and also their social circles. The Australian Mental Health Policy, 2008 states that “All Australians, including those with mental health problems and mental illness, have a right to participate meaningfully in individual and community life without discrimination, stigma and exclusion…. People with mental health problems and mental illness have rights and responsibilities to be informed about and involved in, decisions about their own individual treatment.”

You can help yourself and the people around you by not hesitating to talk about mental health, by educating the community about negative stereotypes and by supporting family and friends and promoting early intervention. Within your family you can promote mental health and healthy attitudes in children and adults. Develop resilience by learning to deal with relationships, career, situations and events, and do not hesitate to address discrimination in every facet of your life.  If it does not come naturally, seek professional help.  Poor mental health is no different from poor physical health and should be treated just that way. A person with a cardio-vascular disease, diabetes or hyper-tension needs proper medication and understanding, so does a person with mental health problems. Just remember that when your mind starts playing games, you need to step up and take over before the mind takes over you.

Visit the Beyond Blue website, www.Beyondblue.org.au for some valuable information and assistance.

“…and they married and lived happily ever after!” I concluded, relaxing in the thought that storytime was over and that I could finally escape to the glass of chilled Moscato that was patiently waiting for me on the kitchen counter.

“So they never fought again, ever again?” asked my five year old, whom I had presumed asleep. “Well, Cinderella and the prince never did fight in the first place,” I said, wondering what childish logic had prompted the thought. “But if they married, they would fight, so they couldn’t live happily ever after,” he reasoned, half to himself and promptly fell asleep. I was glad because after a hectic day I wasn’t ready to reason with the child, and I had a vague foreboding that he had been privy to one of his parents’ ‘discussions’, which, by mutual consent, we try to avoid when our kids are around.

The episode prompted the thought: what exactly is happily ever after? I don’t know of a single person who can claim to experience that happy state of existence all the time. Life as we know it is full of ups and downs in equal measure with one or the other sometimes tipping the balance. Frankly, I am of that strange frame of mind that if everything goes right in my day, by noon I’m waiting for something to go wrong. And it inevitably does, ranging from a mildly inconveniencing incident like spending half an hour trying to figure out where I’ve parked, to a minor bombshell of having to rush a sick, but energetic child to the doctor, chemist and finally, reluctantly to bed. And the prospect of having to play nursemaid and having to referee wrestling bouts between siblings over the next few days certainly doesn’t give my enthusiasm a boost.

But we do try. One of my favourite poems ends with, “Strive to be happy!” and as humans I guess that’s the best advice we could give ourselves. The most ‘forwarded’ emails I receive are messages on life, how to be a good person, how to be kind, considerate, religious, tolerant…but most of all, happy. And happiness can come in many forms, from hearing the laughter of a child, seeing a loved one, or even watching someone you don’t like slipping and ending up butt-first into a muddy puddle. Sometimes when I receive one of these ‘lifestyle’ emails, I wonder what makes people take time out to state the obvious through an elaborate powerpoint presentation. But there are times when simply sitting down to work can be a chore, and they are invaluable in bucking me up and getting me started.

Some people think happiness is a state of mind, and they try very hard to be happy. But this, methinks, makes them define happiness, and in the process of striving, they find happiness in the most trivial of things that some of us would find unfunny or even downright idiotic. Like being on time to catch the train to work or getting one up on Mafia Wars. They have an indefatigable sense of self-regard, and are always anxious to justify their happiness to us lesser mortals who are unable to conceal our superciliousness at their seeming absurdity. These are the kind of people who take internet quizzes that assure them that they are intelligent, well-adjusted and happy individuals. And of course, post their scores to friends to better!

It’s impossible to quantify the cause of happiness, because a pair of shoes could thrill one person as much as walking barefoot could please another.

Some people strive to be unhappy. These are the kinds (and I am surprised at how many exist) who find life and all its tasks burdensome. In a day they find everything to complain about. If it’s a sunny day, they’ll find that it’s just too hot; if it turns cooler, its sooo cold! If they get a raise, they worry that with it will come a lot more work and expectation. They gripe about their health, jobs, children, families and end up being so completely self-centred, that it’s almost impossible to hold a positive, indeed any conversation with them! With complain comes worry, with worry comes stress and they end up spending a good deal of their lives being tired, miserable, discontent …and yet, in some strange way, they are perfectly content with being the way they are.

Fortunately, most people I know fall into the happy middle average. Their lives are a moderation of the good and the bad, and more often than not, it’s their sense of humour that redeems them. A situation may stink, but when they unburden themselves by recounting it, they suddenly find it mind-bogglingly funny. These people also have the wondrous ability to laugh at themselves, a phenomenon I have encountered most here in Australia, where ‘Aussie humour’ is considered a national treasure.

It’s impossible to quantify the cause of happiness, because a pair of shoes could thrill one person as much as walking barefoot could please another. An iPhone could bring a techno-nerd unlimited joy and a less savoury phone bill, but his friend could experience incredible pleasure simply by browsing through old albums. Now among other things, I associate humour and natural beauty with happiness. Anything that makes me laugh brings about an instant change of mood, no matter how irritated or miserable I feel. I only wish that when I experience ‘down’ moments, I could instantly find something spontaneously funny to help change my pessimism. And as for natural beauty, spring is my favourite season because when I see flower-lined boulevards or once-bare trees bursting into verdant green, something in my soul sings and I feel an instant uplifting of spirit. Sometimes it’s just people, like the lovely little boy next door whose cherubic face and sky-blue eyes always make me smile. Or my two boys walking hand-in-hand in a rare moment of solidarity.

I guess, like most things in life, moderation is the key. I’m very happy for those terribly optimistic people who find life beautiful all the time, good luck to them. I’m also happy for those miserables who enjoy the feeling that life’s so hard, because after all, they’re enjoying it and can counter any optimism with a double dose of pessimism.

But my favourite kind of people are the ones who take life in their stride and not too seriously. They possess a good deal of inner strength which helps them to be practical, and they weather each storm knowing that either sooner, later or eventually, the sun will shine through the clouds. They don’t consciously ‘seek’ happiness through religion, lifestyle changes or through unoriginal gems that fall from the lips of popular godmen…. they experience moments of happiness wherever they are, and they find it whenever they need it.

I’ve decided that this Spring, I’m going to take it easy and try and rein in the temper, specially with my kids who’ll find new and innovative ways to annoy me. I’m going to revel in the sun with the knowledge that, well, winter will be around soon!

Wisdom is to be gained at two levels. One is the ultimate spiritual wisdom: answers to questions such as who am I and what is the purpose of my life, and other perennial questions that haunt mankind at all times. The other is the contemporary living wisdom: the knowledge that helps us to maneuver through everyday hurdles and climb everyday mountains.

Wisdom is also to know how to find the means by which the second type of knowledge can be gained and used, but without losing sight of the subtle influence of the first – the spiritual wisdom – guiding us all the time.

True wisdom lies in having the capacity to act in a manner that illustrates the knowledge and lessons gained from our understanding that also benefits humanity at all times.

In the present day world we are so isolated from our own true nature that often we seem to act like mechanical clones. To resign oneself to act in such a ‘mindless’ manner, steered on by blind adherence to topical influences, surely degrades the very divinity with which human life is bestowed.

Each of us has the capacity to lead a life which not only satisfies our individual wishes, but also acknowledges the obligation we have to a cosmic commitment to our fellow beings – both living and non-living. There is no one path that is ‘right’. Herein lies the difficulty: many people make the fundamental error of thinking that there is only one ‘right’ way, and more often than not it is ‘their way’. History shows that time and time again many have tried to railroad others to following their path as the ‘right’ one – be it through religion or science or ideology. And again and again many a war has begun precisely because of this fanaticism of a few. True wisdom lies in having the capacity to act in a manner that illustrates the knowledge and lessons gained from our understanding that also benefits humanity at all times.

In everyday life we need to develop a capacity to see the other’s point of view. Sadly this is one commodity that is not available in abundance – it is rare and very often even more so in those in power. Hence the division between the haves and have-nots seems to be growing ever so wider. Those economically and politically powerful and influential appear to be oblivious to the plight of millions who are affected directly or indirectly by the self-centered decisions they make.

If only each of us could start to develop and implement a small amount of empathy, a little bit of compassion in our everyday life, the world would be a much better place.

If only each of us could start to develop and implement a small amount of empathy, a little bit of compassion in our everyday life, the world would be a much better place. It is in the absence of compassion and empathy that violence, hatred and bigotry germinate and grow. Those who have no sense of how the other feels, would have no clue as to how they may be affecting others. They continue to act totally from a self-centered perspective. If each of us were to act in a similar way, what would befall the human race?

Wisdom is not the domain of just a few who are endowed with super intelligence. It is in the grasp of every one who has been privileged to be born as a human being. The acquisition of knowledge may be influenced by opportunities that are present for some and not for many others. But the capacity to act wisely is almost always present, universally.

Sadly, often other influences such as poverty or lack of facilities curtail the acquisition of knowledge. Yet at the same time it is so rewarding to see many individuals who may be materially poor still retain the enthusiasm for life, drawing their inspiration from ancient wisdom traditions, in far greater abundance unlike those who may be responsible for maintaining their poverty.  Those in political and economic power or indeed those who have the privilege of being materially well-endowed somehow seem to lack the wisdom to act with compassion, despite their knowledge. Perhaps it is time to redress this state of affairs.

 We all belong to this world and are creations of the one Almighty. Yet, we are different in our own ways, live in different countries, speak different languages, have different likes and dislikes and lead our lives in our own unique way. Even so, we are connected by an invisible string that makes us beings and members of the ‘One World Family’ 

It was not until recently that I truly understood the meaning of the term and got to live it and experience it. I had the privilege of attending an international spiritual course in Arosa, Switzerland as part of the Art of Living Foundation. When the opportunity came up it coincided perfectly with our 25^th wedding anniversary, and it turned out to be the best holiday-cum-anniversary celebration I have ever had.

Staying at the foot of the Swiss Alps (it was as though I could reach out and touch them) and waking up to the sight of snow-capped mountains with your husband of 25 years was an absolutely awesome experience. But even more invigorating was the 2 hours of yoga and meditation that we did as a group with people from over 15 countries. It filled the body, heart and entire being with joy, to the point of intoxication.

When like-minded people get together, country, language and religion are not cumbersome obstacles. You speak in the universal language of love and understanding and develop a strange camaraderie that cannot be explained. You look out for and look after the comfort of strangers who become acquaintances, and then friends and confidantes in a matter of days. That is the power of spirituality, the power of being part of the ‘One World Family’.

One couldn’t have asked for a better venue than Arosa to meet and greet friends from around the world who were there to enjoy and experience the bliss of Art of Living. There were over 500 people, from Finland, Germany, Italy, France, India, Pakistan, Russia, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Belgium, Hungary, Jordan, Turkey, Croatia, Poland, New Zealand, Fiji and countries in the Middle East. They were all there to listen to HH Sri Sri Ravishankar’s discourse on the sixth chapter of the Bhagavat Gita. There were translators in Russian, German, Lithuanian, Arabic, French and Italian. The interest and attention of people from outside India in the country’s rich culture and teachings of the great epics was an eye-opening experience. We rarely acknowledge the spiritual wealth to which we are born; it takes others to expose us to these wonders. The whole experience was enlivening and exhilarating. The discourse was followed by question-answer sessions, nature walks and ‘satsangs’. There was an ayurvedic doctor on site and options for ayurvedic treatment if required. The whole package was designed to rejuvenate and energise the body and mind.

We all know that a healthy mind resides in a healthy body and one cannot be separated from the other. The whole trip was picture perfect and I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Everywhere you turn people say, “Don’t be stressed”, “Get rid of that tension”, but how do you do let go when you don’t know how to? The yoga, meditation and practices of the Art of Living has changed my perception of life and I have moved away from small things, looking at the big picture and enjoying the present moment. It is your life and the choice has to be yours. So learn the Art of Living!

 (Art of Living has centres all over Australia and if you are looking for a non-religious, spiritual path to make a difference in your life, log on to the official website for more details.

One of the clear and obvious experiences of modern living is that we are faced with change constantly, instantly. Yet the comfort of modern living has also insidiously fooled us into thinking that most things will remain constant, despite the fast changing environment – to the extent that we expect emotional attachments to remain steadfast too. Alas, the fickleness of such emotional bonds even in traditional relationships is now increasingly becoming obvious.

In traditional cultures family loyalty is of paramount importance. The emotional bonding between family members is highly priced and certain implicit expectations between members are fostered. In modern times, however, close emotional ties within families are often interpreted as dependence, and so become out of favour. Many elderly people are caught in the middle of this emotional conundrum of wanting the emotional closeness that they have experienced within their own families of origin to continue, but find that it is not necessarily being reciprocated in their families now.

Non-attachment requires that we carry out our responsibilities without the expectation of getting something in return, which also includes the expectation that it should last forever.

So how does one deal with this profound and heart-rending shift in thinking that is taking place? I guess the hard, but necessary, lesson to practice is the art of letting go. Letting go does not mean lack of caring or concern for another’s welfare. It is simply learning to accept the limitations imposed by changes in existing relationships.

At a philosophical level, eastern wisdom traditions like Hinduism and Buddhism, talk of attachment being at the root cause of much suffering. Both these traditions talk about the value in remaining non-attached, while Buddhism focuses on desire and craving, as the main cause of unhappiness. When it comes to emotional relationships, particularly within, families, non-attachment is much harder to practice. It is easier said than done. If we did not have emotional attachments within families or between people, we wouldn’t be any different than animals. So how do we deal with this?

Perhaps it is the realization that one needs emotional connections, but accepts at the same time that indeed they are also only transient. As with everything, they too are not static. These emotional attachments by their very nature are constantly changing. If we constantly retain an awareness of this natural fact, we are more likely to succeed in not letting the bonds of attachment engulf us.

There is a mountain of difference between non-attachment and detachment. If we seek detachment from emotional bonds, the path is quite different. Detachment requires a total renunciation, a determined attitude of indifference and placing both spatial and emotional distance even with one’s own family, as seen in ascetics. A householder, by the very nature of his/her circumstance, has developed attachments. This voluntary choice to seek and form emotional relationships demands that he/she has a certain level of involvement. 

To then seek renunciation from these bonds creates a tremendous conflict. Where is the sense of duty? Should not one be conscious of one’s familial commitments and carry them through? Carry them through for how long, you may ask. This is precisely where non-attachment plays an important role. Non-attachment requires that we carry out our responsibilities without the expectation of getting something in return, which also includes the expectation that it should last forever.

Since by nature circumstances are subject to change, it   requires one to have a clear understanding of the transient nature of attachments that is created by changing lifestyles and stages of life. Maintaining a fine balance between continuing to fulfill one’s duty and responsibility and at the same time, practicing the art of letting go may well be the answer.