Hair-shair care-share
Dear Auntyji
I live next to a nice, easy going Australian lady who is a single mum (widowed) and works from home as a hairdresser. We have lived next to her for five years and she has two kids, 5 and 8 who have grown before my eyes. Now Auntyji, I often look after Josh and Ivy and they are the most wonderful kids. Sometimes they come over and even watch Bollywood films with me, and they eat roti and Santi with their hands and even try to speak Hindi! I don’t mind watching them because they love playing with my Nikhil and it’s good having them over. But Auntyji, whenever I ask Melissa for a haircut, she always charges me full price: $50. I think because I help look after her kids, she should give me a discount on the haircut. I only ask every three months for a haircut, so it’s not all the time. But she always charges me. What are your thoughts on this?
Auntyji says
Arre you kanjoos, you paapin, you khudgarz aurat. Such a berahem I have not come across before. Have you absolutely no sharam that you think you should take paisa from a single Ma? A vidhwa? With do bechare bachche? Kahan hai tumhari charity, tumhara sense of societal obligations? And sirf $50 ke liye? You probably spend more on shampoo and conditioner every three months and you don’t even realise it. Here is the thing. You are looking after her kids and that’s a good thing to do. Consider this your tax for living in this country, next to a nice neighbour who leaves you alone and who trusts you with her kids. And think about the bachche log. They are growing up with you – you are helping create some wonderful memories of their bachpan. How could you possibly put a daam on this? So open your kala dil, and let in some pyar aur mohabbat. That $50 is not much tumhare liye, but it might mean a lot for tumhari padosan. Finally, you are not a pharoah – you can’t take your money with you. Better to spend it now. Write to me again and let me know if you have opened your eyes as well as your heart. Kanjoosi kisi ke liye acchi nahi hoti.
Niece di wedding
Dear Auntyji
I have a niece who is a small star in Bollywood and I know she is going places. She is a great dancer and very attractive. She even appears on TV every now and again. Now, she is getting married to an industrialist and she has made claims that she does not want a big wedding. No big wedding! Can you imagine itni ghatiya baat?? When I heard about this, I was disappointed and irritated. I was so upset I even called my sister-in-law to discuss this with her and she agrees. She is an upcoming Bollywood star na, and look at her wanting a chhoti si shaadi. I mean, she has itna paisa, why can’t she spend it on her shaadi? And she is marrying a crorepati! I mean, look at Sonam Kapoor, Aunty. Look how grand her wedding was. She even snuck in guy who created a special Instagram account called #sonamkishaadi. A wedding is the most important day of a young woman’s life and it is a celebration, so why not celebrate it in style and by feeding as many people as possible. It should be done in dhoom dhaam style, with naachna, gana, vagera vagera. Do you think my niece should reconsider her positon seeing that she is becoming a Bollywood star? Aap ka kya khayal hai?
Auntyji says
Hey Ram! What’s up with all these paisa-obsessed budtehzeebs writing to me today? Have these anpadh log no maan and maryada to understand that paisa is not really discussed in polite, cultured society? Well, let me tell you right now, my kaali kalooti, my little nagin, my karela, that your opinions are as backward as you. Who says that one needs to have a big wedding just because you have money? People with money and class tend to be understated in their expenditure of this, and in showing the duniya and their daulat, just like your darling Sonam Kapoor. Unclassy ganwars like yourself like to show off with big weddings, and get divorced 12 months later. I mean seriously, do you really care what any upcoming Bollywood star does? Aren’t you too busy living your own life to even spend a moment caring about what your almost famous niece, Sonam, Kareena, Katrina, Jhanvi, Salman and Taimur are doing? Really? What your nameless bhanji does with her money is her own business. Listen carefully, it’s her business. Big wedding, small wedding, no shaadi, no baraati, it’s none of your business. You just continue living your life and minding your own affairs. Stop worrying about dusre log. By the way, how big was your wedding, and how far off is your divorce? How much is your mortgage? How much do you earn every year? If you don’t want that scrutiny in your life, then you should leave your niece alone. She certainly is not asking for your rai, after all.