You ask, Auntyji answers!
Washy washy clean
DEAR AUNTYJI
There is a girl at work who has a really really bad habit. She goes into the bathroom and comes out and does not wash her hands! How disgusting is that? Chi! If someone else is washing their hands, she sticks two index fingers under the water for 3 seconds to make a show of it, and then leaves. It’s like pani and sabun are her dushman. Auntyji, who is this dirty, filthy, behuda nagin? Last time she did this I wanted to say something but I didn’t. But we all talk about her behind her back and someone even put signs up in the toilets about hand washing, but clearly, this besharam does not read. I want to report this kulankini to HR, but I don’t have the courage. Can you give me a solution please?
AUNTYJI SAYS
Aah, the bathroom habits of a global workforce. Well, yes, there are some strange people who have questionable habits, and then there are others who don’t wash their hands after going to lavatory. What I find most entertaining about this situation is that like other mean girls in the workplace, you and your clique have decided to talk about this girl behind her back, instead of addressing this issue in a mature, professional way. And here is how I would have done it, because I am wise, and all-knowing. I would have gone out of my way to make friends with this ladki. I would have been genuinely friendly with her. Then, as luck would have had it, one day, I would have found her in the bathroom at the same time as me. Then, when I saw her do the flyover of her index fingers and the water, I would have looked at her in surprise and said, why Meghna – assuming her name was Meghna and not Sangeeta or Purnima – did you hear about the bout of dysentery that plagued the people in Finance? I saw some of them on our floor today, so wash your hands properly, otherwise you too will get dysentery or even cholera. And then spend a few more minutes saying how there are people walking around with TB and Hepatitis and you don’t want to catch these, so you wash your hands properly. By the time you finish your sermon, you want poor Meghna to think that she is surrounded by pestilence and disease, and her only salvation is pani, sabun and vigorous hand action. See, and she will be grateful to you for trying to protect her health and to teach her basic hygiene that clearly her mother did not teach her. This is how you solve problems – by selling a message and in this instance, it’s one of hope and inspiration. Not the crazy back biting message you were peddling. Good luck, and remember you want to strike the fear of bubonic plague into the dark recesses of this girl’s mind. You want her to end up with OCD that’s how tenacious you need to be.
In sickness as in health?
DEAR AUNTYJI
I would love it if you were really honest and told me exactly what you thought of my problem. So, a week ago, on account of not eating enough fibre, sitting at his computer for over 8 hours of the day and not drinking enough water and probably being slightly overweight, my husband developed a rather painful and embarrassing problem, where sitting down and walking was very painful for him. He was in quite a bit of pain and ultimately he went to a doctor and got the problem rectified. Now Auntyji, my husband is a smoker, and I have asked him on many occasions not to compromise his health. So when he complained about the pain he was in, my cavalier response was that he should put up with the pain, because chemotherapy and lung cancer was much more painful. I had zero sympathy for him. I told Anish that I didn’t have any sympathy for someone who takes his health for granted and is swiftly heading towards a life of pain and misery, courtesy of British American Tobacco. He was startled by my position but not as much as I was. The thing is, I desperately love Anish – the same way Rekha loved Amitabh in Silsila, Mr Natwarlal and possibly in real life. The same way Nargis probably loved Raj Kapoor. The same way Pooja Bhatt loved… wait, what was his name again? Anyway, I am crazily in love with my husband of five years but how come I have no sympathy for him in his sickness? Wasn’t I supposed to love him in sickness as in health? Am I a churail, Auntyji, or just a bad, horrid wife? Can you please tell me your honest thoughts?
AUNTYJI SAYS
Arre, sun. Your nasamajh husband is totally deserving of your lack of sympathy. I am on your side. Koi bhi mard joh smoking karta hai, and who takes no care of his health, should not complain, nor expect any sympathy if he falls ill. Now if he was walking down the street one day and a tarbuz fell on his head and caused him injury, then he deserves all of your loving attention and kindness and care. Lekin, agar woh smoker hai, to no sympathy. You should have even rubbed in the message – how painful it would be if he can’t eat or take care of himself if he falls ill through smoking-related illness. Your husband is a fool, and you were right to absolutely show him no respect at a time when he was in pain and in low spirits. Did his behaviour change? Has he stopped smoking or is now taking care of himself more? I doubt it. Clearly you love him very much – and you are trying to send him a message, so I fully support you in your quest. No one can argue with your logic. So next time he has that painful problem again, feel free to kick him on the behind as he walks past. Tell him that’s for disrespecting your life together.