Our resident Agony Aunt answers your queries!
I desperately need your guidance, please. I have a four-month-old niece whom I absolutely love because she is so adorable.
Some weeks ago, I was babysitting her and watched the India-Pakistan cricket match as she slept. My wife and her sister were away, In any case, Virat was just superb and at one point, I got so excited that I yelled “Shabaash Viru!” and danced around the room because I was home alone.
Nysa woke up bawling because she was startled by my exuberance. She cried and cried and wouldn’t stop, and when her mum came home 45 minutes later, Nysa was still sobbing. My sister and my wife were suspicious that I had done something – like dropped her – and it took a while to convince them that I had woken her up because I was excited about cricket.
In any case, my sister and wife were okay, but to this day, weeks later, Nysa wants nothing to do with me. As soon as she sees me, she starts bawling.
Last week, when she started crying piteously after she took one look at me, I nearly cried myself and my sister and wife laughed at me and called me a cry baby. Auntyji, I am most upset that Nysa is upset with me. How can I resolve this situation?
My dear boy, if you start carrying on like a raakshas, like a Kans Mama around a sleeping baby, what do you expect?
Okay, I get that the game was particularly exciting and nail biting for everyone, but did you have to wake up the entire mohalla with your enthusiasm? Cricket is a gentlemen’s game, but you sir, did not behave like a gentlemen near your little lady.
So, what to do? Nothing at all. You give Nysa time and soon she will learn that you are not a pagal kutha who gets too excited and that you are still her beloved uncle. But you must behave with decorum around her. Clearly she does not like noisy bandars around her – so no loud noises please.
Fortunately for you, there are no more exciting cricket games on the horizon – except for the IPL which everyone knows is not real cricket, because test cricket is real cricket and everything else is just nonsense. So remember, no loud noises, no naach gaana and tamasha near Nysa.
Baby blues part 2
Last month we brought our new baby home. We decided to gently introduce Zara to our pet cat Nilofer. Well, Nilofer cautiously looked at the baby, and then arched her back and hissed as though Zara was a naag that Nilofer had just chanced upon.
Seeing this strange reaction, I took a rolled up newspaper and whacked Nilofer. Hard. She took off out of the room like a bat out of hell and went into hiding for three days.
When she returned, she didn’t want to even be in the same room as Zara and has religiously avoided the baby since. I am concerned whether this is going to be a lifelong boycott – because I have heard that billi ranis can be quite obstinate. What to do, Auntyji?
Well, all I can say is that you brought all this on yourself, ashikshit! Were you a billa in your past life that you decided to own a billi rani in this life? Did you even stop to think the politics of pet ownership? What gives you the right to take an animal and make it live a life at your convenience?
I mean, think of what you have imposed on the bechari billi. She has to live with humans. She gets told what to khao aur kab, has to stay home saara din and not mix with her own kind, and worse, she is probably desexed. How would you like it if all this happened to you? And then, when poor Nilofer Rani reacts in a natural manner to an immediate threat – from her perspective – you whack the meow out of her.
How could you do all this, you besharam, berahem, paapi? In any case, you have only one option. I suggest you give away Zara to another family. Clearly, Nilofer was there first and you made a commitment to look after her, so you must fulfil your obligations.
If you refuse to do this, then all you can do is wait till your next life when you return as a billa and have chuhas torment you all day long. This will be your penance.