Ask Auntiji: spying spouses and shopping woes

Our resident agony aunt answers your questions

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Man or mouse, squeak up…

Dear Auntyji

I have a small problem with my wife of two years and I was hoping you could give me some advice.  Ours was an arranged marriage, but I love my wife with my heart and soul. I know she loves me the same way. We have a very happy life here in Sydney and we have a wide circle of friends. Recently, about 10 couples decided that the wives would have a ladies night together, while all the husbands went to a Pakistani mate’s house to watch Australia play Pakistan in Abu Dhabi on TV. So the ladies all got together, and after us men left, I realised I had forgotten to take my wallet and ran upstairs to get it. Now I know that all the wives knew the husbands had left – so they started talking about their husbands. They started providing particular details, and they were laughing so uproariously that I just had to. Stop to listen.  Of course they did not know I was there. Shekar’s wife called him a tiger and said that he was always on the hunt, while Anup’s wife said he was like a water buffalo. Auntyji, some of the details still make my face turn red. But auntyji, here is where the problem starts. When the ladies asked Anita, my wife about me, she just laughed and changed the subject. She refused to be drawn into the conversation and I am now upset. Why couldn’t she have said I was a lion or a horse or even a bad-tempered wildebeest. I feel she let me down by not extolling my virtues. I left shortly after the conversation changed, but I have been unable to get this out of my mind. Can you please advise how I bring this up with Anita, please?

Auntyji says

Arre, satyanaash…! Have you no shame listening to secret women’s business conversations and then griping about what you heard? Mein to hairaan hoon ki aap itna pareshaan hai is choti si baat pe! This was a conversation amongst ladies, and you eavesdropped – and so your punishment is that this will remain on your nasamaj akal for ever. And not only that, now I will seek to punish you further for not just the transgression of eavesdropping, but because you had the gall to get upset with Anita for her restraint and genteel behaviour. Instead of being proud of her, you have deigned to judge her – so here is your punishment, you anxiety ka maara purush. Jab Anita chup thi, and did not engage in the takaluf ki baatein, all the auratein naturally assumed that Anita’s pati must be a chuha, a mouse, which is why Anita did not have anything good to say. Now all the other saheliyaan were proud to boast about their sher, except Anita. So all the women now look at you and feel sorry for Anita. So deal with that, you shakki insaan. A better husband would have been so proud of his wife for her restraint. But not you. You deserve what you got, you chuha. Now chup chaap jaa ke apni biwi ko chai bana ke de. Everyone knows a sher is useless unless they can make chai.

Biwi ka lacey secret

Dear Auntyji

My wife of five years and I work in the same building in the CBD and each day, we take the train in. When we get off at Town Hall station, there are lots of shops there, so sometimes we walk past these shops and window shop. There is a ladies shop there that sells nice things for women – and every single day, my wife Kal hovers in front of the window display, taking her time to look at the pretty lacey items. Now Auntyji, I don’t understand this, and would like to understand this better. Why is my wife spending so much time looking at these things? I am worried that other people will think I am the one standing there looking at the mannequins – like a backward perverted uncle who has dirty thoughts and intentions. What is your rai on this subject, and what should I say to Kal – I am getting somewhat uncomfortable with this behaviour.

Auntyji says

What is it with these insecure husbands writing to me asking stupid questions when they could be communicating better with their wives? Arre, you nadaan puppy of a man, have you considered the many reasons why Kal is loitering in front of Victoria’s Secret? Could it be that she is giving you hints for buying her a gift? Or are you such a nadaan that you think she may be considering some other ulterior motive? For you not to have thoughts about buying Kal a gift from this store is a tauheen e mohabat. Have you not watched any Bollywood film from the ‘50, ‘60s or ‘70s, when the heroines spoke volumes with their eyes? And expressed their desires without even a word? You need to learn more about your wife. It’s clear that Kal is trying to give you a hint, and an andha, nasamaj like you is missing all the signals.

So next time she lurks near the shop, watch her eyes and see which items she is admiring. Then at lunch time, go out and buy her the item. Then surprise her.  Now if you get the size wrong, that’s ok, because Kal can return the item and get something in the right size. Now of course, agar Kal hairaan ho gayi, and churail ki tarah accuses you of something, then I think we have a bigger problem. Perhaps Kal has issues with her esteem. Perhaps she is comparing herself to the models. Perhaps she is thinking some other thoughts. Either way, there is only ek hi raasta to determine kaun sa paap is in Kal’s head. Start by buying her the item. Then write back and tell me what happened. I will give you solid salah after that. Good luck my man. And be brave. Vijay unki hoti hai jo risks lete hai.